Frustration

I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel sick inside at home about this whole Movement thing my parents are involved in. They say I act indifferent towards them, like they have leprosy but I try my very hardest to act normal towards them. Sometimes I just get really uncomfortable and it gets awkward. Plus, I'm going through normal changes with parents at the same time. We argue about independence and me being able to make my own choices. but of course they want to try to make the best decision FOR me instead of letting me figure it out on my own. So what if I make a mistake or two along the way? Isn't that how we learn? I overheard my mom talking to someone on the phone today saying, "We don't believe that doing these things saves us, but we believe in doing them because we're saved." I just don't understand that statement. It seems to contradict itself and it just confuses me. It makes me feel weird inside. It sounds prideful I have to say. They make themselves out not to be because "Oh of course that is wrong." But they do think their standards are better than the church and that they're doing things the "RIGHT" way. Is that being hypocritical?? I don't know. I'm frustrated by it all. Sometimes I really, really, really want to move out. And they just don't understand why. Ha.....I wish they could see it. maybe then they wouldn't make life so difficult for me. They're always telling me to do things. Adn when I don't, they make it so I have to do it. Just let me be my own person and make my own decisions!! I am not a child. argghhh.......*sigh* Sometimes I cannot stand to be here and I just need to get out.

Life still brings struggles. It always will. Here is an excerpt from my journal because I thought it portrayed what I was feeling. This is not me reasoning. This is me trying to be honest with myself and trying to get my thoughts out on paper. So I would really apprectiate everyone not telling me what's wrong with my thinking because of course I know some of these things aren't really true, but they're still thoughts and feelings we all have a times, and that what is important. I think I would really appreciate encouragement though.

March 28/06

God, I just don't know what to do. I"m trying to pyut my life in your hands. I don't know what to do half the time. What is the right thing? OR the wrong thing? It's almost like I don't look forward to the future because I'm not trusting that I'm going to like what it's going to bring. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, 24/7. I think in my dreams I'm walking on eggshells. I don't know where I stand with people, I'm frustrated by parents, and then I have rushes of emotions that I don't like. It's like hurt, fear, powerlessness, frustration, being misunderstood, and pressure all coming in on me at once. I get this feeling in my chest like I need to cry really hard but it won't come. Maybe a tear or two but then it goes. But the mixed-up feeling remains. I don't know the rules to life. How to do the right things at the right time, how to make the right decisions. I can't seem to do anything right. I feel like my parents control me and that if I don't do what they want, I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm in trouble sometimes when I haven't done anything wrong. I wish life was easier. I think we all do at times.

I've been tagged.....

Okay so there is this game going around. I think Nicole started it. but I've been tagged by Ashley. YOu have to say 6 things about you that make you weird. Gosh...I just don't know if there is anything....because I'm not weird at all. Lol. hmmm...this will actually be hard.

Weird habits about me:

1. It has to be completely quiet when I sleep or else I can't. I sleep with earplugs in so I can't hear anything.
2. When I was little I didn't like how soccer shin pads felt on my legs so I would wear them overtop of my socks. It looked really funny. I have a picture.
3. I don't know if this is weird or not but when I was in soccer tournaments and we were doing good I would make sure I did the same routine before soccer games. I would use the same socks. It was like I was superstitous for that short period of time. and when I was like 13/14 and in the final games when it was close I would be so nervous and I would be praying that we would win.
4. My ears get cold easily, very easily when I'm outside even if it's not super cold but it's windy.
okay I have no other things weird, you'll have to mention two (or more!) other things that you have noticed are weird about me. Just comment!
5.
6.


I give up! everyone has been tagged already! but here are the rules anyway.
secretly relieved that I don't have to go and tag six people and comment on their blogs. lol

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things/habits about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

My website

Sweet! So I had to make this website for the computer class I'm doing. It was really hard...you had to do it all in code like for a paragraph you would have to do this

Hi my name is Leah. I like to play soccer in the spring. I like to run and swim. Music is one of my favourite things.

and then it would appear as a paragraph on the screen. to make the font blue and arial and I would have to do this. see above but it might not work because it automatically hides all the code I just wrote to make those letters blue. I did that through code! hah!
So that's what I spent a lot of my time doing last week. And now you guys can see it! It's not great compared to some of the other people in my class. Theirs look so much more professional but whatever....it's my first time and I don't really ever want to do it like that again from code. I would use Front Page Editor or something like that. so here is the link....let me know what you think...just comment on this post. It might not appear the same in Internet Explorer. You'll notice that some of my headings are off to the left. When you view them in Mozilla (another web browser) it centers them. that includes the airplane picture on the second page too. I don't know why it does that.

http://homepage.usask.ca/~lcb816/mypage/index.html

It's crazy!! like me

Real to Me

Every time I try to find you/Every road comes back around/Just another hoop to jump through/Another mile of covered ground
I am weary of the answers/More theory and cliché/They raise the letter of the law like a banner/'Til you're small and far away

All the questions in my head/Are from my heart instead

Chorus:
Be real to me now
That's all I'm asking
Be real to me now

Every scribe and every scholar/No winners in this debate/Everybody seems to stand up taller/When you're easy to explain

I don't need to know what I don't know/Just got to let it go

So lay down the sword
And put away the doctrine
Love a little more, love a little more'
Cause everybody's broken

-Nicole Nordman, Jill Tomalty, Jay Joyce


I don't know what I feel right now. I've decided it's better than sadness or pain. At least not knowing, then you can't think about it becuase there's no hurt to think about. Or about how lonely you are SOMETIMES. Not all the time. Just when I go home. That's all. at other times too I guess, not just at home. But I do have not lonely moments.

I just want to be happy. I don't like being sad. When will it end?? When will love find a way to reach my broken heart, God please. Make it go away, Please. I want to cry

Running

I just want to run. Run hard, run fast, run far away. Run till it hurts, till it takes away the pain inside. Run from sadness and unhappines. Run from loliness and disappointment. But I'm too smart for that, too responsible, too good. I know that it will follow me wherever I go. Running won't help. If there was a way I would. I'd rather have my body ache than ache inside. I want to run to escape. There is no escape. Things never get better. They just get worse. I think they get better but I'm soon proven wrong. Sadness likes to leave it's mark, it's scars. There's no way to get out. I try to explain but....it doesn't seem as big, like it even matters when you try to tell it, what life is like. If it isn't big or if it doesn't matter, why does it hurt then? Why do the tears come if it's not really that bad? Why do I cry when I don't know what there is to cry about, but all I feel is pain inside? I just want to make it hurt because then I won't hurt inside anymore. To run and feel my muscles ache, and my lungs burning, and my breathing heavy. To run forever. When will life be happy again? Every part of me longs for it, to be truly happy. To not have such burdens weighing me down. To not be tormented by sadness and thoughts inside. To not want to be somewhere else. To not feel trapped like there's no way out. But what am I crying about? It's not that big a deal right? If it isn't, I want to know. Why do the tears come?

"Tears falling down again,
Tears falling down." Skillet

Sadness consuming
Reasons uknown?
Known?
Cold, dark silence
Tears staining
Wishing this hurt could go
But would you wish this on another
I'd rather spare someone else that
And take it on myself
Believing that one day
Things will be better
Pain engulfing
Pleading, praying
It didn't have to be this way
Tears falling, falling
Into the darkness

Brain Processor

I need to process some thoughts, stuff I have questions about I guess, things I don't understand. So I am tired. I worked two 8 hours shifts in a row and I was at the pool for almost 9 hours both days. My feet are sore to say the least. Well tonight at the table my mom said, "I want to talk about something spiritual at the table." And all I thought was, "Oh boy." So she started talking about Noah's ark and about even then there was strong warnings to follow God's ways. About how Noah was building the ark for all those years (Shem, Ham, and Japheth were not young lads that's for sure!) and the people saw Him. So God's wrath has to come sometime when you shut the door on Him or something like that. Maybe it's when he shuts the door on you??? that doesn't make sense. I thought God didn't shut the door on you. And my mom said, "why do you and Erinn suddenly clam up when we start talking about something spiritual?" And all I said was, "I don't have anything to say." I just don't really. what am I supposed to say?? I know what she was referring to. She has such subtle ways of doing that. She was saying that we aren't following God's ways and that sometime God is going to pour his wrath upon us if we shut the door to Him and ignore His ways. I don't think I'm ignoring God or not following His ways. And who is my mom to judge at what place I am with God? I also thought alot about when she said she thought I was making the wrong decision. Who was that talking through her?? Was it God?? Was it the enemy? or was it just human error? Pride?? I don't know. The reason I don't really want to dive back into it and seek it out is because I don't want to experience that turmoil again. That was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. There's been a lot of worst experiences this past year. I get confused and I start to think that maybe they're right, than why do I feel sick inside??? Why does it not feel right? But I would like to be able to defend myself. But somehow I know inside it doesn't matter how much I do that. They're not going to accept it. They could say the same thing about me I guess. I don't know how to reason this. There is no way. It doesn't makes sense. My parents have said about that feeling that people have when they hear about this group......that it's fear. Well maybe it's a warning sign, maybe that's what it is. The Holy Spirit send signals like that. And then maybe you don't feel the sick feeling when you convince yourself it's right and that you're doing the "holy thing" and obeying God. When you become comfortable with yourself, that you're good enough now. maybe that's what it is. WHy do things like this happen?? The reason I like going out or being with people I feel comfortable with is because I don't have to deal with them saying weird spiritual stuff or getting in my face and saying I'm making the wrong decision for my faith. It's like I leave this safe spiritual atmosphere and enter the cold one. anyways, got to go......my parents are making me wash the dishes even though I was on my feet for like, 6 hours today. whooo, fun.....sometimes I would just like them to give me a frickin break. gosh.....I hate coming home to deal with all this stuff.

I was going to post...but I'm tired. And hungry. And frustrated. And confused.

7:02 PM

I'm back. I'm ready this time. I'm upset.

To make this post make sense I have to explain something from a couple days ago. My mom asked me if I wasn't going to school and working because of what people say. She said I was impressionable, or am I letting other people influence my decisions?? I'm not going to get into that or who those people are. I seriously still don't know what I'm doing next year. And I'm just waiting. Basically, am I thinking for myself?? I told her that I"m not going to do what other people say or do what they think is best whether it's them or someone else. I didn't really bring God into the picture because I know what that could turn into. Probably a big argument about God's will. My mom said, "Why don't people go to school and then when they're done become a youth leader?" I didn't say I was waiting on God or that I was listening for what God wants me to do b/c those conversations always turn out to be a mess, like listening to God isn't enough or something??. I don't know. Sometimes I think they really don't understand that anymore. Or that all you do for God is what matters...not going off and doing your own thing...or doing what you think is best...because God knows best. They probably think anything to do with church is a waste of time anyways....because obviously we're right off our knockers anyways....I mean we're not doing what God wants anyways. (sarcasm intended)

So...what happened? Today my mom said to me ( I think by now you should now that whenever I start off with that it usually doesn't mean it was a happy conversation)...."You know we were talking about thinking for yourself, I don't think you've done that with the Torah thing. If you're thinking for yourself you would do some research and some reading." And then I said, "I have thought for myself, I haven't let other people make that decision for me." And then she started in that a lot of stuff in the Bible has been misinterpreted or not translated properly. and something about Hebraic Roots....I cut in then and said I didn't wnat to talk about this right now. And then she said, "Well I think you're making the wrong decision." and I said, "Well I could say that I think you're making the wrong decision too." And then mom, "Well I don't think I am. I think I've made the right decision." and then I turned right around and said, "Well, again, I think I've made the right decision." And then AGAIN she said, "well I don't think you are."
So basically she's God now is she?? Sorry....I'm just upset. I also really dislike the almost proud look on her face, like she knows all and she's right.

Sometimes this seems so small, this problem, and sometimes it's huge. I get tired of holding myself up....I just want someone to support me so I can get back on my feet. My heart hurts. I feel sad. The tears come faster than before, the ache inside, the lonliness. There's no relief from the pressure. I have to hold my head high day after day. I have to pretend to be strong even when I'm not. I have to hide the tears, the agony, the frustration inside. When I have to cry, seriously I go to my room and lock the door and hope my parents don't come knock on the door. Luckily I have a room in the basement. And if they do, I wipe the tears and pretend I'm okay. But I'm not. And I don't want to do this by myself. I want someone to stand by me and defend me and point out the things that are wrong. It's just such a big mess. I live here. And I'm going to be here for at least a couple more years. I can't move out...there's just no way too. It doesn't seem feasible right now. So I guess just suck it up and deal with it.

Until next time...

More Random Thoughts

Well, I was going to write something important...something I was thinking about today. Now what was it....oh, yes. I was thinking about how different people are when you really get to know them. And that what is appears on the outside is a whole lot different than who they are inside. You don't know the things people are dealing with, even the people you see day to day. Some people keep a lot of things inside...maybe for many years. Maybe for forever. I think there's a couple reasons for that. One could be they are ashamed or embarassed of something they've done, something they think is too horrible to tell anyone. Or maybe it's something they've felt. And I totally understand that. I think that people also don't want to be hurt again, that's why they keep things inside and hide them. They don't want to experience pain deeper than they already have. And one more reason, one that I only thought of through past experience, and that is...fear. People don't want to reveal their hurt and pain in fear that they may be discovered, but also because they don't want their hopes to be dashed that maybe something would change. They're afraid that nothing will change, even if they tell someone, that their circumstances will stay the same. Sometimes I push people away when I'm hurting, I know I need them but I still do it. I told someone this and they asked me, "What are you afraid of?" And I said, "I think I'm afraid of nothing getting better, nothing changing, having to live the pain day after day with no escape." ( okay I added the last part there but it still stands true to me).There is also the fear of being vulnerable, of being exposed and having people see into your mind, your heart. And sometimes things can never change, you have to realize it and deal with it. I guess something inside of you changes if nothing outside of you can. This is sort of harsh and it's the part that makes me sad. That you just have to wade through it alone, like a sailor stranded on shore as the tide comes in. Only God is there and a lot of the time, even though He is there, the pain still remains, almost a part of you that is etched there, as one of your scars of life.

Well, on to a lighter note. I'm learning how to write in XHTML format which is format for writing webpages. It's interesting but confusing.It's for the Computer Course I'm taking online. I spent a lot of time on the computer today. Probably four or five hours. My dad has this program called Front Page that he is using to do my soccer club's website. He's volunteering to do that. And it does the program writing for you so you don't have to enter the code for every little thing. So, I would like to use it, if I have time, to make a good webpage for M180 if I can work that out because I need to use a server or something AND get permission. Of course I wouldn't forget that, hey Pastor J? That rhymes ;) So that's what I've been consuming myself with the past day. I also have to write an essay on Great Expectations...I think 1200 words. Not too bad...I just have to figure out what I'm going to write it on. I have one idea. So, I'm excited for soccer and English Class being done in a month. Isn't it crazy that it's March 1st and it snowed a foot today? I said to a friend, "Isn't is supposed to be spring by now..I guess not in SK?" And she said, "Leah, it's not spring, the last three months have been spring." And it's so true. It's like winter just begun or something. And the funny thing is that Saskatoon never plows our roads...well not until two weeks AFTER it snows. they put sand down but that doesn't do any good when there's half a foot of loose snow on the roads. It frustrates me...even more so now that I drive. So life has its ups and downs much like the tide comes in and out...Anyways...I'm tired. But I have been feeling better so thanks for all your prayers those of you who prayed. Good night!

Until next time...