More Random Thoughts

Well, I was going to write something important...something I was thinking about today. Now what was it....oh, yes. I was thinking about how different people are when you really get to know them. And that what is appears on the outside is a whole lot different than who they are inside. You don't know the things people are dealing with, even the people you see day to day. Some people keep a lot of things inside...maybe for many years. Maybe for forever. I think there's a couple reasons for that. One could be they are ashamed or embarassed of something they've done, something they think is too horrible to tell anyone. Or maybe it's something they've felt. And I totally understand that. I think that people also don't want to be hurt again, that's why they keep things inside and hide them. They don't want to experience pain deeper than they already have. And one more reason, one that I only thought of through past experience, and that is...fear. People don't want to reveal their hurt and pain in fear that they may be discovered, but also because they don't want their hopes to be dashed that maybe something would change. They're afraid that nothing will change, even if they tell someone, that their circumstances will stay the same. Sometimes I push people away when I'm hurting, I know I need them but I still do it. I told someone this and they asked me, "What are you afraid of?" And I said, "I think I'm afraid of nothing getting better, nothing changing, having to live the pain day after day with no escape." ( okay I added the last part there but it still stands true to me).There is also the fear of being vulnerable, of being exposed and having people see into your mind, your heart. And sometimes things can never change, you have to realize it and deal with it. I guess something inside of you changes if nothing outside of you can. This is sort of harsh and it's the part that makes me sad. That you just have to wade through it alone, like a sailor stranded on shore as the tide comes in. Only God is there and a lot of the time, even though He is there, the pain still remains, almost a part of you that is etched there, as one of your scars of life.

Well, on to a lighter note. I'm learning how to write in XHTML format which is format for writing webpages. It's interesting but confusing.It's for the Computer Course I'm taking online. I spent a lot of time on the computer today. Probably four or five hours. My dad has this program called Front Page that he is using to do my soccer club's website. He's volunteering to do that. And it does the program writing for you so you don't have to enter the code for every little thing. So, I would like to use it, if I have time, to make a good webpage for M180 if I can work that out because I need to use a server or something AND get permission. Of course I wouldn't forget that, hey Pastor J? That rhymes ;) So that's what I've been consuming myself with the past day. I also have to write an essay on Great Expectations...I think 1200 words. Not too bad...I just have to figure out what I'm going to write it on. I have one idea. So, I'm excited for soccer and English Class being done in a month. Isn't it crazy that it's March 1st and it snowed a foot today? I said to a friend, "Isn't is supposed to be spring by now..I guess not in SK?" And she said, "Leah, it's not spring, the last three months have been spring." And it's so true. It's like winter just begun or something. And the funny thing is that Saskatoon never plows our roads...well not until two weeks AFTER it snows. they put sand down but that doesn't do any good when there's half a foot of loose snow on the roads. It frustrates me...even more so now that I drive. So life has its ups and downs much like the tide comes in and out...Anyways...I'm tired. But I have been feeling better so thanks for all your prayers those of you who prayed. Good night!

Until next time...