Why has this month been so difficult? I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m so sad so much more often than I have been for months and months. Probably since July. Where is my life going? I’m scared out of my freaking mind. Where am I going with school and everything? I feel like I’m falling, like I’m going to fail. My life just seems to be falling apart in front of me, crumbling through my hands. Maybe I’m striving to be something I’m not. That which I’m striving for, to be….somebody. All I want is to matter, to make my mark, but I always become second pick, second fiddle, just plain second. Or maybe last. I feel so alone. No one understands me. I feel like I don’t have a close friend here in this world. Like I’m drifting away from everyone. Maybe I could drift away unnoticed. I wouldn’t doubt it. Am I ever going to change? Stop striving for something, which is……I don’t know. God, sometimes I hate my life. Wish I could be somebody different. The one that everyone wants to be friends with or thinks has that special something. Not the person who stands silently watching behind the scenes wishing they were that person. I just have no desire for anything right now. I think it’s the loneliness that is getting to me, seeping into my pores. It always does. Why does it always do that? I don’t understand. Is that my weakness? The loneliness? Maybe. I feel so sad. And the hurt. It consumes me. There’s a big hole where the feeling is. Not true. If that was true then I wouldn’t ache. Which I do. The more I hurt, the more I hide. I don’t know why. It burns me up, it angers me. But through everything I can’t seem to change it

Living Eternity

I don't know how to put this. I can't remember since when but this has been on my heart. This nagging urgceny, a feeling of inadequacy. I know exactly why I'm here on this earth. To show the love of God to people and share the gospel with them. But am I doing a good enough job of it? And the answer is usually no. And then my next question is how can I do better? And I struggle with this almost every day. Where is my life going, and what am I doing for eternity? Why DOES it take the death of a young unsaved person before we get serious about eternity and realize that our job is life and death? This is not some little business transaction or maybe put a bit of time into. This is our life. And I just don't know what to do sometimes. It feels to big. i wonder, God what do you want with me, with my life? sometimes i don't have the words to say it. And I think that people are going to think I am crazy. I have a huge burden. and that is the people around me who don't have relationship with Jesus. now this blog was going to be a lot better. But I'm not that good at writing, and a lot of the time I really don't think Im' good at talking and getting my faith across to people. When I think of something I could say to people tomorrow and I just don't know. And my I am trying too hard an dnot just being. Not just living my new life, my being a new creation in Jesus Christ. i love Him. he's the most important thing to me. how can I tell you how much he means? i can't. i don't know how to say it. But please hear me out. The world is looking for something. My sister said, if Simple Plan was a Christian band their lyrics would be really good. Because they have the problem, they sing about the problem all the time. but they don't have the answer. And that answer is Jesus. just look at some of the lyrics I took from their song Crazy.

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on?
If you open your eyes, You'll see that something is wrong

No one cares, no one's thereI guess we're all just too damn busy
And money's our first priority
It doesn't make sense to me

Tell me what's wrong with society
When everywhere I look I see
Rich guys driving big SUV's
While kids are starving in the streets
No one cares No one likes to share I guess life's unfair

And what I have to say to that is yes, life is unfair. There's pain and struggles and sadness. But without that, we wouldn't know love, hope, joy and most of all, we wouldn't know God. Because we wouldn't need anything or anyone. God is the healer of the brokenhearted. Jesus came and not only dies on the cross for us but took all our sin with Him. All the world. imagine the burden that had on Him as he lay dying on the cross. And if that isn't amazing enough, God rose him from the dead. I don't think anything or anyone can compete with that. yes if you do look around something is wrong with our world and society. They don't have Jesus. The author and perfecter of our faith. Everything that is good and holy and pure. Of course there's going to be evil. But that's why Jesus came to save us from that. What more can I say. Our life is only a breath of eternity. And what am I doing to change that? I just want to pray for more and more of God's anointing on me so I can be more like Him and that people can see a different light in my eyes.

Hi guys! I guess this is my first post of the year. This year is going to be amazing, scary, thrilling, and a year of a lot of firsts. Some are good, most are great, there only might be the possibility of one thing that is sad and will be really hard if it happens.

I’m going to Africa. How amazing is that! It’s for missions; I’m going with Canadian Food for the Hungry. Life changing and my view of the world will be transformed. I am definitely going being open to transformation. I really don’t think there’s a point in going if you’re not open to it.

Shots!! For the first time since I was four! And like, 3or 4. Yikes!

I’m auditioning for the U of S and hopefully Brandon. I don’t know for sure, but that’s my goal. Brandon might not happen this year but if it doesn’t I really would like to go next year. We’ll see.

Working as a full-time lifeguard. I’m crazy but I’m just adding more responsibility to my life.

I could move away if I go to Brandon. Sad and hard but good for me too. I will leave the “nest” per say and learn to survive on my own. Literally alone because I would be in a different city.

Most importantly, in July I guess I stopped grieving or found myself or I don’t really know how to explain it. But I haven’t sunk to the dark state I was in for so long last year. Up and down like that, I haven’t felt that since then.

I’m going into this year with a lot more confidence than last year. I believe in myself more than ever. And it’s because of God. He’s been my everything. My all. And I realized so much that He is faithful. I love Him. Things get tough but no one can be there for me and be strong for me like Him.

Thank you to all my awesome friends. I love you guys. You’ll never know how much you mean to me. I know I haven’t been around a lot but I still think about all of you a lot.

I need to go now but I really wanted to write that. peace out everyone!