I was going to post...but I'm tired. And hungry. And frustrated. And confused.

7:02 PM

I'm back. I'm ready this time. I'm upset.

To make this post make sense I have to explain something from a couple days ago. My mom asked me if I wasn't going to school and working because of what people say. She said I was impressionable, or am I letting other people influence my decisions?? I'm not going to get into that or who those people are. I seriously still don't know what I'm doing next year. And I'm just waiting. Basically, am I thinking for myself?? I told her that I"m not going to do what other people say or do what they think is best whether it's them or someone else. I didn't really bring God into the picture because I know what that could turn into. Probably a big argument about God's will. My mom said, "Why don't people go to school and then when they're done become a youth leader?" I didn't say I was waiting on God or that I was listening for what God wants me to do b/c those conversations always turn out to be a mess, like listening to God isn't enough or something??. I don't know. Sometimes I think they really don't understand that anymore. Or that all you do for God is what matters...not going off and doing your own thing...or doing what you think is best...because God knows best. They probably think anything to do with church is a waste of time anyways....because obviously we're right off our knockers anyways....I mean we're not doing what God wants anyways. (sarcasm intended)

So...what happened? Today my mom said to me ( I think by now you should now that whenever I start off with that it usually doesn't mean it was a happy conversation)...."You know we were talking about thinking for yourself, I don't think you've done that with the Torah thing. If you're thinking for yourself you would do some research and some reading." And then I said, "I have thought for myself, I haven't let other people make that decision for me." And then she started in that a lot of stuff in the Bible has been misinterpreted or not translated properly. and something about Hebraic Roots....I cut in then and said I didn't wnat to talk about this right now. And then she said, "Well I think you're making the wrong decision." and I said, "Well I could say that I think you're making the wrong decision too." And then mom, "Well I don't think I am. I think I've made the right decision." and then I turned right around and said, "Well, again, I think I've made the right decision." And then AGAIN she said, "well I don't think you are."
So basically she's God now is she?? Sorry....I'm just upset. I also really dislike the almost proud look on her face, like she knows all and she's right.

Sometimes this seems so small, this problem, and sometimes it's huge. I get tired of holding myself up....I just want someone to support me so I can get back on my feet. My heart hurts. I feel sad. The tears come faster than before, the ache inside, the lonliness. There's no relief from the pressure. I have to hold my head high day after day. I have to pretend to be strong even when I'm not. I have to hide the tears, the agony, the frustration inside. When I have to cry, seriously I go to my room and lock the door and hope my parents don't come knock on the door. Luckily I have a room in the basement. And if they do, I wipe the tears and pretend I'm okay. But I'm not. And I don't want to do this by myself. I want someone to stand by me and defend me and point out the things that are wrong. It's just such a big mess. I live here. And I'm going to be here for at least a couple more years. I can't move out...there's just no way too. It doesn't seem feasible right now. So I guess just suck it up and deal with it.

Until next time...