Brain Processor

I need to process some thoughts, stuff I have questions about I guess, things I don't understand. So I am tired. I worked two 8 hours shifts in a row and I was at the pool for almost 9 hours both days. My feet are sore to say the least. Well tonight at the table my mom said, "I want to talk about something spiritual at the table." And all I thought was, "Oh boy." So she started talking about Noah's ark and about even then there was strong warnings to follow God's ways. About how Noah was building the ark for all those years (Shem, Ham, and Japheth were not young lads that's for sure!) and the people saw Him. So God's wrath has to come sometime when you shut the door on Him or something like that. Maybe it's when he shuts the door on you??? that doesn't make sense. I thought God didn't shut the door on you. And my mom said, "why do you and Erinn suddenly clam up when we start talking about something spiritual?" And all I said was, "I don't have anything to say." I just don't really. what am I supposed to say?? I know what she was referring to. She has such subtle ways of doing that. She was saying that we aren't following God's ways and that sometime God is going to pour his wrath upon us if we shut the door to Him and ignore His ways. I don't think I'm ignoring God or not following His ways. And who is my mom to judge at what place I am with God? I also thought alot about when she said she thought I was making the wrong decision. Who was that talking through her?? Was it God?? Was it the enemy? or was it just human error? Pride?? I don't know. The reason I don't really want to dive back into it and seek it out is because I don't want to experience that turmoil again. That was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. There's been a lot of worst experiences this past year. I get confused and I start to think that maybe they're right, than why do I feel sick inside??? Why does it not feel right? But I would like to be able to defend myself. But somehow I know inside it doesn't matter how much I do that. They're not going to accept it. They could say the same thing about me I guess. I don't know how to reason this. There is no way. It doesn't makes sense. My parents have said about that feeling that people have when they hear about this group......that it's fear. Well maybe it's a warning sign, maybe that's what it is. The Holy Spirit send signals like that. And then maybe you don't feel the sick feeling when you convince yourself it's right and that you're doing the "holy thing" and obeying God. When you become comfortable with yourself, that you're good enough now. maybe that's what it is. WHy do things like this happen?? The reason I like going out or being with people I feel comfortable with is because I don't have to deal with them saying weird spiritual stuff or getting in my face and saying I'm making the wrong decision for my faith. It's like I leave this safe spiritual atmosphere and enter the cold one. anyways, got to go......my parents are making me wash the dishes even though I was on my feet for like, 6 hours today. whooo, fun.....sometimes I would just like them to give me a frickin break. gosh.....I hate coming home to deal with all this stuff.