Shooting Dogs

If you haven't read the blog before this one please do. it's about my trip to Rwanda and I would like people to read about that too.

I've been going through a lot of emotions the past couple days. I feel guilty. Because I go to this country where so many people are so poor. Many eat a meal every few days if that. The clothes they own are the ones they're wearing and they are just rags. And I come in, stay for a couple weeks, barely work at all and eat like a king, and then breeze out of there to go back and live my spoiled Canadian life. The one where the movie I paid to watch could feed somebody there for a week. And I just left them there. And the people I come home to don't really understand what I've seen.

I feel insignificant. And maybe I am in the grand scheme of things. No, not maybe, I am. I just don't know what to do to fix anything or do anything. The problem seems too huge. So many people, so much poverty, so much evil to the country of Rwanda. And to many other countries in the world. I almost feel like I am useless here in Canada. My day to day life seems sort of trivial. My job.....what am I really doing to help anybody? I'm helping myself that is all. I don't know. maybe i'm seeing this all from the wrong perspective but it is what I am feeling. And now more than ever I want to know what to do with my life. i desperately want to matter, to find something I can do where I can help people but I don't know where or how. I want to find something I find fulfillment in, something that I do well too. I don't want it to be something that is all wrong for me. can God see these desires? Sometimes I question what He is doing in my life because I feel very lost and aimless like I am wandering in the desert. Like there is this big blank page for the rest of my life.

I also watched this movie today called Shooting Dogs. maybe I shouldn't have watched it so soon after coming back from Rwanda but I did so it's done and over with. It was a VERY realistic depiction of the genocide in 1994. It was actually filmed in Kigali and as I watched it all I could think was, I was there. I felt sad, angry, scared and helpless as I watched this movie. I also thought to myself, what if this happened now? What could I do to change it here in Canada? Or would I just watch helplessly as it happened before me? How can so much hate be in the world? And what if that was me? Waiting to be killed and pretty much having no where to hide, no one to turn to? Raped and then hacked to death or clubbed to death, a club that has big spikes in it. Or what if I survived? I honestly can't imagine how to move on with my life. I met people who survived this. How do they cope? how are they sane? They saw little babies thrown up against a wall or hacked with a machete. Some do not have any family left. They are left to tell. And sometimes I doubt that if this happened again that we would do something. Has our world really changed that much that 13 years later we would suddenly just rush in to help? we didn't in the other 5 or 10 or however many genocides there have been. I wasn't even there and I feel this much sadness. what about the people who lived? My heart aches for this world and the sadness it has had to bear. how much can the human race endure? I just don't understand.