1 Cor. 13

Before I right down some of my thoughts i want to clarify something from the last blog I wrote a couple weeks ago. When I was talking about different demoninations and the different beliefs what I meant to say is, I know there is one God and the same God for all who believe. What I was trying to get through in this blog was that sometimes we as people come across like what we believe is right and that's that and sometimes it's LIKE we think that we believe is the absolute truth and that's what God wants for everyone. I know that didn't make a WHOLE lot of sense but I wanted to clarify that I do not think that there is a different God for every different demonination. I believe in one God who created the earth and sent his Son Jesus Christ to die for us. Okay now that we got that sorted out I am moving on!!


So I started memorizing 1 Corinthians 13 this week. I partly started it because of this game we always play at Generation Church and Youth group. I can't remember what the game is called but in one of them we had to name 10 different descriptions of love in 1 Cor. 13, so that was my first motivation. And then I really started meditating on it. Am I really living out this description of love in my life? If love never fails, if love keeps no record of wrongs.......why am I not living my life more and more like this?? So I really started thinking about this and evaluating even some of the decisions I had made that week. If love is the greatest out of faith and hope (not to say these aren't very, very important)....am I putting a big focus on love in my life. The parts that really struck me about this chapter is the one where it lists off all the descriptions of love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Wow. If we are all trying to strive to live our lives like this everyday, our lives would be so much more powerful. This is my goal. I will fail, I can promise you that. I am not perfect. But I felt convicted about some things this week in friendships. maybe wanting it to be a little more about me, only giving if I was getting something back. But love is not self-seeking, it is thinking about the other person. In my relationships with people, with friends, and family, I am looking for something very real. I am looking for trust, patience, and to be treated like I matter. All descrpitions of love right? I am looking for real love. Not something fake. isn't that what we all crave and want? But most of all we are all looking for a real relationship with someone who will always love us and never let us down. But the only one who can give us that is God. So I also realize even people in my closest relationships are not going to be perfect either. They're going to let me down. And that's where grace comes in. For them and for me. But also I need to learn to turn to God more because He will never let me down.

Well, it's 2:23 am precisely. And so those are some more of my scattered thoughts.

April 30th

Did you ever feel like you were running away from your worst fear? ignoring it and shoving the thoughts away every time they came? And sometimes I feel I am afraid to conquer it for fear of it overcoming me. There are so many things I don't understand and so many things that make me sad. I don't understand why God's church divides and divides and when we don't think there could be any more demoninations there are. Even when we disagree on almost everything, why is He still there amongst the various differences? He still honours our love for Him and His love that He has for the world. And how do we everknow what is right or whose interpretation is right? And what do we believe out of ignorance, pride, or what we think God wants us to do? An even harder question, what do I believe out of ignorance, or pride, or what I think God wants me to do? I know these are all very important and valid questions but I feel that for some, I will never have an answer. I've never been so frustrated, scared, confused, and hurt over anything else in my life. There's just so many questions that my mind and soul are confused about. People keep telling me things but who am I supposed to believe? I know I need to believe God but the God of who? We create so many different God (s) it seems. The God of the Catholics, the God of the Baptists, the God of the Lutherans, the God of the Pentecostals and so on and so forth. what hurst the most is that I know I' not done with this issue in my life. I feel like I've just shoved it down so far because I cna't deal with all the questions in my mind and I hate it. Sometimes I just want to scream "God why? Is this going to plague me for the rest of my years? Am I ignoring what the truth really is?" Like the atheist who tries to explain away their belief that God does not exist but ends up contradicting themselves and going around in circles. In a different sense, sometimes I feel that is my predicament, I don't know.

Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about. And you just think I'm stupid for even thinking some of this. There's not even a question in your mind. maybe there isn't in yours. But there is in mine and until I can defend it and feel okay about it then that question will still be there. It doesn't consume me like it used to, but it's still there nagging at that back of my mind. Maybe not all of it but some of it. I hate it. It's like I can defend against any other position apologeticwise, comparing the Christian faith to whatever....naturalism, JW's, Mormon's, but this is harder. because it's so close it's annoying but different. Anyways, this didn't make even a little bit of sense but I had to get it out.