April 30th

Did you ever feel like you were running away from your worst fear? ignoring it and shoving the thoughts away every time they came? And sometimes I feel I am afraid to conquer it for fear of it overcoming me. There are so many things I don't understand and so many things that make me sad. I don't understand why God's church divides and divides and when we don't think there could be any more demoninations there are. Even when we disagree on almost everything, why is He still there amongst the various differences? He still honours our love for Him and His love that He has for the world. And how do we everknow what is right or whose interpretation is right? And what do we believe out of ignorance, pride, or what we think God wants us to do? An even harder question, what do I believe out of ignorance, or pride, or what I think God wants me to do? I know these are all very important and valid questions but I feel that for some, I will never have an answer. I've never been so frustrated, scared, confused, and hurt over anything else in my life. There's just so many questions that my mind and soul are confused about. People keep telling me things but who am I supposed to believe? I know I need to believe God but the God of who? We create so many different God (s) it seems. The God of the Catholics, the God of the Baptists, the God of the Lutherans, the God of the Pentecostals and so on and so forth. what hurst the most is that I know I' not done with this issue in my life. I feel like I've just shoved it down so far because I cna't deal with all the questions in my mind and I hate it. Sometimes I just want to scream "God why? Is this going to plague me for the rest of my years? Am I ignoring what the truth really is?" Like the atheist who tries to explain away their belief that God does not exist but ends up contradicting themselves and going around in circles. In a different sense, sometimes I feel that is my predicament, I don't know.

Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about. And you just think I'm stupid for even thinking some of this. There's not even a question in your mind. maybe there isn't in yours. But there is in mine and until I can defend it and feel okay about it then that question will still be there. It doesn't consume me like it used to, but it's still there nagging at that back of my mind. Maybe not all of it but some of it. I hate it. It's like I can defend against any other position apologeticwise, comparing the Christian faith to whatever....naturalism, JW's, Mormon's, but this is harder. because it's so close it's annoying but different. Anyways, this didn't make even a little bit of sense but I had to get it out.