That Was Disturbing...

This blog is also like a dream journal...I always have weird dreams and scary ones and sad ones so it can get interesting. I had a disturbing one last night...it wasn't the kind of scary where you think something is going to get you so you wake up thrashin the sheets. I also think eating before you go to bed can sometimes contribute to the strangeness of your dreams.
Here goes...

Okay, so Pastor Jason comes driving to my house in Pastor John's truck for some reason. Adn I answer the door and he comes in. He came to pick up my 1 year old brother Zion for some reason and was taking him to his house for the night. Weird. So, we're all standing in the kitchen and I'm leaning up against the counter. And then PJ has to go so Zion is covered with food and needs a change of clothes so I walk down the hall and am probably going to go get a face cloth to wipe him up and as soon as I walk into the bathroom I realize something is wrong. The tub is filled with water and it's almost at the top. My 5 year old brother, Eamon, I lying face up on the bottom of the tub. I don't think I've ever been that scared. Now that I think about I find it really strange that in my dream he is a lot smaller than usual and doesn't have very much hair like a baby. In fact he's just a bit bigger than my one year old brother in the dream but in dreams things like that seem normal. SO I jump into the tub because I don't know how else to get him out and my sister is standing there and I'm trying to say , "call 911" but the words won't come out. And I remember thinking, "not another bad thing that has to happen to me that will make me sad." so I jump out of the tub with Eamon in my arms and run into the kitchen and I'm yellling CALL 911, CALL 911. Adn my mom just turns around and smiles like she thinks I"m joking but then I don't see her next reaction when she sees something REALLY is wrong b/c I'm down on the floor with Eamon. And I went straight into the ABC's (airway, breathing, circulation) even in my dream all my lifeguard training flooded into my brain. The whole time he was making these little sounds like something wanted to come out inside of him. Then I remember trying to put breaths into his mouth but they wouldn't go in because he kept sliding all over the floor. He was this yellowish colour like he had been underwater to long and he had a tinge of blue around his lips. The thing is you're supposed to use a mask so you don't get germs but THIS is my brother! and I didn't think a second of doing that. It didn't matter. ALl that mattered was that he live. So I yelled at mysister to go get a towel......and then I woke up. But it was HORRIBLE! Anyways....a glimpse into the mind of Leah.

Until next time...

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Computer technology has advanced extremely quickly over the last few decades. A popular comparison highlights this advancement:
"If automotives progressed as fast as computer technology, today's car would have a 1/10th inch engine, get 120 000 Miles Per Gallon, run at a speed of 240 000 Miles Per Hour, and cost $4. "

Yeah, I wish. So, thanks everybody for the comments on my last blog but I think it is due to my physical health. Sometimes I feel sort of achy even like I am getting sick but I know I'm not and my eyes are burning like I'm getting sick but I'm not. Strange. I am going to start excercising more and spending more time with God. It inspired to be more motivated so Thank You!! My dad thinks I'm low on iron....that could be. We're vegetarians so I might need some more iron through other food products.

Anyways....the last couple months I have been listening to song lyrics a lot more and what they mean instead of just listening to the music. That's important too but it's the lyrics that make it a good or meaningful song. Some artists that I really like the lyrics of are Drentch, Jeremy Camp, United, and Michael W. Smith. I don't care what jokes people make about Smith being gay and all that stuff. I actually think it's mean even if it's joking....that's how rumors start when people believe that they're true adn the fact that he's trying to honour God. Now I know I heard something about a cocaine addiction.....okay I did a Google....and this was in his pre-contract days....

February 16, 2006 - Michael W. Smith discusses drug addiction with Larry KingChristian pop icon Michael W. Smith appeared on CNN's Larry King Live on February 10 to discuss a drug addiction he held in his pre-record contract days, and to promote his film The Second Chance, which opens in theatres tomorrow.Smith says he fell into addiction when a support group made up of Christian friends broke apart as those friends left to go to college or graduate school. "[A]ll of a sudden I was by myself and didn't have a support group and thought I could play with the fire and not get burned, and that was not the case and I found myself in a pit and I couldn't get out," Smith said during the interview with King. He later said his drug habit almost killed him once via an overdose. King said during his introduction to the interview that Smith had written gospel songs while "high on marijuana, cocaine and other drugs."Smith says he overcame his addiction after falling into a deep depression, which he sees as an answer to his prayers, and those of his parents. Smith said during the interview that he knew that his habit would kill him if he didn't stop, and asked God to do whatever it took to get him out of it. He likened his healing to that of a terminal cancer patient who wakes up the next day with his tumor gone. Said Smith, "I woke up the next day and I haven't been the same since. That was 28 years ago." Smith says his career began to take off shortly after the incident.

Anyways, his lryics are very inspiring....one that really hits me from this last year is called Healing Rain....it's talking about healing ( go figure) and the music is amazing too, I especially love the strings! Drentch, I love their music more every time I listen to it, the lyrics, the music....very solid. It's sort of like Rock Worship I guess. I'ts not your standard worship CD. I only wish I had their second CD. There's lots of CD's that I want. Ummmm.....I also want that first Jeremy Camp CD called Stay. Someday...... I also like Third Day. People don't like the lead singer's voice and I admit after listening to them a lot it starts to bug me but I love their new song with the line...."There's light at the end of this tunnel." Just let that sit in for a minute and ponder that. Wicked awesome.

Okay here's a quick grammar tip for those of you who need some brushing up on it. You know who you are. Lol. So, remember, words like they're and you're are compact words. They are acutally two words that are shortened like....they ARE and you ARE.
So you're smart.... would be you are smart if broken down.
They're stupid... would be they are stupid if broken down.
So just remember that if you don't remember the rules for that.

Two words that sound the same though are your and their. I think these are posessive nouns or pronouns or something like htat.
Example: Your baseball bat is broken. It belongs to you. it is YOURS.
Example: Their family has 5 members. Their family has a pool.

Does that make sense??
So a little grammar lesson for those who need one....I think all of us know who that is...you know the slightly retarded one....haha. Just joking!! I would never make fun of someone's spelling if they knew I wasn't joking or if they had like, a disability or anything. I know what is mean or not.

have a good week everyone!

Until next time...

My Eyeballs Are Burning!!

Well I am tired again. But I've noticed that I'm always really tired. Especially since September I think tired has taken on a whole new meaning. I thought it was stress but I don't think it is. My mom would say it was diet but everything is diet to her. if I get sick like I did when I got back from Thompson she said I was "detoxing" which is like your body getting rid of junk and stuff. whatever. I barely got any sleep on that trip and yes I didn't eat nutritious but other people got sick and lots of them eat like that all the time. Anyways this new tired is weird and draining I must say. It happens almost every day. I get say, 8-10 hours of sleep. By sometimes as early as 3'o clock, I feel drained and really tired like I need to go to bed as soon as possible. Then I almost feel lightheaded and dizzy. Just SUPER, SUPER tired. And sometimes I get a headache, like a stress one where it hurts in the brain area by your temples. I have no idea why I said the brain area. Wow. And my eyes were burning today. They were almost watering as I looked at the computer screen. I feel like I can't stand up sometimes I'm so tired. It doesn't happen all the time. But a majority of the time. usually during the week days. So, after thinking about this......I think I should go to the doctor. maybe it's something as simple as not enough Iron in my diet. I just don't want to be so tired. I have to keep doing my daily stuff but it would be nice to have energy as I do it.

Until next time....

The Decisions of Life

God has been working in my life so much this past week. It is strange how I don't even notice it until it happens or is already happening. But being more in tune with God also makes you more aware of situations around you and decisions you need to make. Sometimes they are hard but even if they're hard I think you know they're the right thing to if you feel at peace about it. Sometimes they really suck but in the long run you are hurt less because you know it is what God wants. At least that is my view of it, I don't know if that is logical or reasonable.

My mind has been changing so much about life decisions and what I need to do after Grade 12. It's crazy. First I thought I would go to Bible College and then I thought I would go to Bible college for a year degree and then do something. then I though I would work or go to university or a bit of both. And now I have no idea what.........if I don't know I'm going to divide my time between M180 and work. I feel a push in that direction but I don't know why. I don't feel a desire for anything else right now. I love people and I care about them is all I know. I want to see God work and I want to know what it means to lay down my life and die to self. I want to do that badly. So I pray that God shows me what that means in my life.

I was so excited when I heard that 25 people were saved in Nelson House. I have never been a part of something that exciting. I will never regret all the lost sleep, the hard work, and being sick if that is what comes of it. And even if nothing did I would still do it all over again. I'm crazy. But the parents of some of the youth want to kick their youth Pastor Rob out who is a teacher there. He is like their lifeline here on earth. God is their lifeline but they need a leader. There is a lot of native spirituatlity and shaman and all that stuff there so they desperately need our prayer support whoever reads this!! The thing is all I got from my parents was a nochalant "cool"and "wow"from my dad and nothing from my mom. Come on...I just told you the most exciting news ever!!!! Just because they haven't started eating Kosher or practicing the Sabbath or something. Their eternity was changed..that's something to get so excited about. I asked my sister later...."is it just my imagination or did they not seem that pumped about it?"
She said, "did you notice sometimes it's hard to even carry on a conversation sometimes with them?" and it's true. i didn't really notice it but we can go on and on about something and they will just make one word comments about it. Maybe there weren't thrilled because they realize more and more that I am not going to come back and do what they think is right because I don't think it is. Maybe not because people got saved but because I'm not going to practice what they practice. And my Dad always asks me to come and do these studies with them and I always say No. I feel so bad about it though but I just don't feel right doing it. I feel so uncomfortable. I am still not feeling good. I really have to go.

Until next time......

Thompson, MB

Wow, that was a crazy, fun, rewarding, and exhausting week. It went by so fast and I wish it wasn’t over but at the same time I’m glad it is because I really needed some rest and my body couldn’t take the fast pace for much longer. Some highlights of this week were meeting new people. Basically the people I really got to know were our billets, the Allens. They’re super nice people and I really liked Chris and Zach. They are awesome kids. The people on our team that I got to know better were Graham, Lavonne, Riley, Crystal, Tandi, and even Stacey. And then Travis Hobbs spent a lot of time with the team so I made another good friend which was wicked awesome. So yes that was a huge highlight in my week.

There’s so much to write about I don’t know where to start. Pastor Jason was in a snowmobile accident. He hit an ice ridge and hit his face on the handle bars and flew 60 ft. He had to go to the hospital. Lavonne got hypothermia and was almost unconscious. I was way more worried than when PJ had to go to the hospital because he could talk and move around. I was still worried about him though and concerned. He was in more pain but I could see that he was going to be okay and I seriously thought for a second that Lavonne was going to die. We called 911 and she had to go to the hospital. The bus clutch broke on the way back which means when we stopped we couldn’t start so we somehow got started in PA and then ran about three or four red lights on the way home. I was sort of nervous about that. I hope PJ’s infected lip is going to be okay.

I realized how much I love the people around me that I share good times and bad times with and who believe the same thing I do. I love my family dearly, even though it’s much harder to, but I don’t feel as close to them. I feel such a strong connection to these people, it’s like they’re my family away from home. I don’t know if that sounds weird or not but it’s true.

God taught me a lot this weekend. About myself, about life, and about leaning on Him more than ever. I needed to hear that all I need is Him. I needed to hear that again and again. I think I finally got it this weekend. I struggled with some stuff the first few days of the trip and I survived it by relying on God. I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t blog about it, I just prayed and cried. I was so upset on Saturday night and my thoughts were all over the place that I just needed to talk to God. So when we got back to our billets house I took my bible and journal, I didn’t even end up reading my Bible, I just wrote. And then I prayed. Everyone was watching Westside story but I stayed in my room. I cried myself to sleep that night. But you know what?? The next night I went to the altar for prayer. I was upset, I was broken but I think God healed a piece of my heart that night. He did what I really needed him to do through prayer and I think because I humbled myself and went to the altar. Sometimes you feel too vulnerable to go up there, at least that’s how I feel. But I just trusted God. That night He also showed me something else. Pastor J quoted a Bible verse. Luke 14:26"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.

As he started to say the Bible verse, I had heard it before and I was like yeah, I’m doing good. I don’t hate my family or anyone else and then he said, Yes, even his own life, that hit me right between the eyes. I was like, woah. I have hated my life, I am guilty of that. And then God showed me something else. To hate my own life, is to hate something that God made, that God designed, that God wants to use for a special purpose. It’s like hating God and it’s like hating someone else. Right now I have a desire to go deeper with God, to seek Him. I always have but I want to start doing that more and more. Part of me is so confused about life and decisions. When I hear about our youth ministry that is taking off, part of me just wants to drop everything and throw all my energy in time into this ministry, to be part of it, to do something. I love it. I don’t know what to do with these thoughts because then there is the rational part of my being that says, “ be responsible, think about your future and how you’re going to survive, what kind of career you’re going to have.” And then I get anxious and I have to remember to take things one step at a time. God will show me where he wants me to go if I seek him. Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I don’t know the plans but God knows. That verse as I just read it now, gives me joy. I feel like I just looked at it for the first time. The plans, my future, are plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. That’s amazing. I am going to adjourn this blog because I am very tired and I’m coming down with something. My nose is running and my head hurts. Where my nose is running to I don’t know. Okay that was really corny. Hey I had to put in one stupid joke. Until next time…..

Life......I Don't Get It

This has been an eventful month. I understand myself less than I have ever. I'm more emotional than I used to be. About God, about life, about music, and sadness. I've always been a sensitive person. Stuff just touches a place in my heart more than it used to. I don't know if being sensitive is a good or bad thing. This is a very random blog. I like being content and yes, hard stuff comes my way but I can handle it if I'm okay on the inside. But when it's inner confusion and feelings sometimes I think I'm going to go insane because I can't escape. It's just weird and horrible at the same time. And the lows are pretty intense. See I'm fine now, I think.............and I wish I could stay this way. But then something hits me, emotions or inner stuff that I thought was gone and then I'm not okay. I don't understand how I can be okay one day and wanting to escape this world and pain the next or the opposite. Anyways....all this aside...I'm going to Thompson, MB in two days for a ministry weekend. I'm pretty excited. It's going to be fun because I'm on the worship team and I love worship and I'm spending almost a week with most of my favourite people in the whole world. I want to make a difference in someone's life. Sometimes you feel like you're trying to do stuff for God and nothing happens. People don't come to know God and you're trying to reach them and make a difference in their life but you can't see it. And then you wonder what you've been doing wrong. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good Christian b/c I don't pray enough and that's why things don't happen. The past couple months have been hard so when I do feel better I try to get back into praying, I desire that time with God and I just want go to spend like two hours with Him at a time. Because I want to be healed inside and get closer with God. And then I fight with my parents and argue with them. Sometimes I just want to ask them, " Don't you miss coming to church and the people and just worshipping God in a congregation?" That's one of my favourite parts of church. Lately I've been saying that worship is my favourite kind of music. And I really thought why about that statement. I mean it's just music just like other types of music right? Some chords and notes on a page. But the words mean something so much more than the empty words of this world. Why does it bring up such an emotional and spiritual response? Because we're talking to God. Sometimes during altar times, I just want to cry and cry. Lots of time because I've had a hard week and I know that God is there and He's listening. And when I'm there it's like I feel something comforting beside me. My new favourite CD is Matt Redman Volume 1 live worship. I love it because Matt Redman has an amazing voice and the songs are not some huge fancy version with lots of solos and fancy guitar stuff, it's just solid worship. Just a great worship service and I know lots of the songs. My favourite song on that CD is Once Again. The piano beginning is good. although not hard b/c i figured it out. It's funny.... I listened to it on Sunday night and it just happens to be one of the songs we're doing for Saturday this weekend. Which I thought was kind of coincidental b/c I happened to listen to the Cd the week before I play it. One more thing I'm REALLY excited about but at the same time very nervous is I'm leading worship on the guitar for Saturday! for my first time ever. I've never really played the guitar in front of a whole group of people. But I think it will go okay. Practice went pretty good. I think the scary thing is that you are in charge, and by in charge I just mean that you decide what you're doing for all the songs, how long they are, when to start, and if anything goes wrong, everyone looks at you. I just hope nothing happens like in my dream. You can read it here: http://treacheroustales.blogspot.com/2005/12/my-worst-nightmare.html That was a nightmare. I have to go. That was a random blog. Midterm tomorrow morning! Then I'm free!

Fingernails

I just want to be happy again. To not hurt inside. To not feel alone. At least before when I was having a bad day or feeling sad, I could turn to my parents. I felt comfortable doing that. Now I just want them to leave me alone. It's hard to look forward to the next day when it just brings more of the same. I was doing great for a month. Really, I was. But then when stuff happens with the family and all we seem to do is argue, then I feel alone. There is no one to guide me anymore. When you were little you just took your parents' hand and trusted that they would take care of you. Sadness didn't last for long and your young optimistic mind bounced back quickly and saw the positive side to everything. Sometimes I wonder where God is. Why does He let me endure this pain? Especially when I ask Him to take away the hurt so I can be truly happy again. When you are younger you never imagine things like this can happen. you look at people who are sad and you say, "i'm not going to be like that or that's not going to happen to me." But it does sometimes. I wish I could be that naive again. When will things be better? When I was younger I had bad days, not bad weeks/months/years. I just want to escape it. I don't know how. I hold in the tears all the time, to hide from my parents. They don't even know what I've gone through the past 5months. Anyone who reads this sees a much different person than is on the outside. God, please, please take all the hurt away.


Fingernails
John L. Cooper

Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering under my fingernails
All my dreams out of reach under my fingernails

I'm empty, lonely, and accused
Accused without a word
My fingernails are chipping down from clawing in the dirt
I'm so lost. Lost and confused
I threw it all away
How can I be beautiful when I am so afraid
I watched it all slip through my hands, my brokeness revealed
I'm so proud, I'm so proud, I'm crying to be filled
I'm killing, destroying the plague that's killing me away
I've got to live, I've got to love like I am unafraid
I'm wasting, wasting every moment
I want to be tasting, tasting every moment with You
I'm suffering, I'm bleeding, on my knees
Who's going to save me
Suffering, bleeding
Save me from this pit of fraility.
Never reaching me

Please don't judge me by this blog. This is not who I am. This is me hurting. And if you don't know me well enough to really know what I am going through or if I haven't told you I'm likely not going to. All I ask is for you to pray.