Are you ever so tired in every way, emotionally, physically, mentally, and......and even spiritually that you just want to go to bed at like 8:30 or 9? it's hours before you usually go to sleep but you are so wiped out that you think you will just crash. And you think that a good sleep might make you feel better. You just want to escape the hurt so you want to sleep because that's the only way to forget. Unless you sometimes dream dreams that make you hurt. No I didn't dream last night but I just laid there for like, 3 hours. I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't. I just kept tossing and turning. And then I feel almost as tired when I get up, like I didn't really rest.

I'm not having a good day. I don't have time to say much except for this......somedays everything hurts inside. Life just feels so miserable. Sometimes circumstances or situations feel like you're drowning and someone is reaching out their hand and you reach for it but you hand passes right through it. It's like it teases you. I hate my life right now. I hate living at home, I hate how I feel, I hate life. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. There's just been so many bad days.

Weird

what's with all the weird dreams lately?? I think I should stop eating before I go to bed...you think maybe?? I had this horrible dream last night where I had this big fight with someone that I've never had a fight with before, not really. And I guess it was someone close to me except we don't seem to be very close anymore. So, I had this dream and we were at youth but there was this weird hallway that isn't there usually. And some youth guys were throwing things (not surprise there) and I was with about 3 of them, and one of them who was on my side was picking up all the stuff so they couldn't throw it at me, and there was this pair of pliers and he's like, "pick it up" so I did and then he turned around and threw something at me and it hit my glasses and it didn't seem to break them or anything. Adn then it was weird because it was like then I woke up from another dream and my glasses were actually broken. So, I went and told someone and they were just like, "how did it happen?" and then I started to say it was the youth guys but then I remember waking up from the dream so they couldn't have broken it and I told the person that and they said well whatever it's your fault or something like that. And I was kind of mad and very worried because I was going to have to pay to repair them and I was all panicked inside and everything. And I was crying and the person came up behind me and said, "SSSHHHH" And the person was being really short and not very understanding so I got all mad and I was like I'm going home and maybe I won't come back. And then I said, "I hate you." and i was sobbing. and then I don't know if this scene comes in after I went home or before but I was sitting there with two youth leaders and we were talking about this person and basically all things that we have a problem with that they do. Anyways, this dream made me feel really horrible and crappy. Sometimes it feels so real that when I wake up I have to remind myself that I'm not fighting with someone or that something really didn't happen or tell myself that something good didn't happen. Those are harder I think. The people in this dream are going to remain anonymous. And remember, dreams don't really have a bearing on real life. Sometimes they do but most of the time they're just a bunch of crazy stories that happen in your head while your sleeping. And sometimes they represent what you're really feeling, in dreams you're always honest with yourself. If in the daytime you try to deny that you feel something when you don't, sometimes it comes out in your dreams.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. C. S. Lewis

Snowboarding

Wow that was such a fun day!! my calfs hurt, my head hurts, my arms hurt, my hip hurts and my feet, legs, and everything is sore. So much fun!! I went snowboarding at Table Mountain today and I'm so glad I went. I had about three hours of sleep last night. I haven't gone snowboarding in about three years or so and then only about 4 or 5 times, but man, did I used to suck. and I almost did today too. I was falling down the bunny hill trying not to wipe out the little ski bunnie groups. and the little pro 5 year old skiers and snowboarders! I was jealous. And then I was almost going to give up and I asked Burgess to give me a tip or two and he taught me how to turn and it was all good! i picked it up really fast and it was weird that I had like three lessons and all I needed was one little tip and I was a 100% better. Seriously! I biffed it a lot of times and that's why my hip really hurts but I went down a normal sized hill three times without wiping out and I could almost carve. It was great! Anyways, I really have to get up at like 8:00 to go to worship practice so i will say goodbye for now.

Well my blog is NOT inspiring that's for sure. I guess writing about insipiring things is not my thing. Maybe singing about inspiring things and writing about inspiring things is, but not writing. I just come here to unload all my crap sometimes. It feels like the only safe place to at times and blogs are available 24/7. Yay for blogs! So, umm I had a great week. No, I'm lying, I didn't. It was stressful and frustrating and hard in some ways. Family stuff and other junk. At least tomorrow will be fun I hope. I'm looking forward to snowboarding. You know what?? I'm tired of being bossed around. I hate it. So, some well needed sleep is coming up, i get to get up in 6 and half hours. Fun!

Summer

For some reason summer is looking real good right now. Sun, working outside should be fun-I definetly had more energy when I worked outside. What was summer last year like? I worked, I hung out with people, but all in all I spent a lot of it alone. My family went on some vacations without me b/c I had to work and I spent a couple weekends alone. That is very boring. But it is super nice having the whole house to yourself, it makes for less chores, but then you have to cook for only one person and that is also a pain. Why am I going on about this? I guess I'd like to remember the last summer before my life basically fell apart, in almost every way. I'd like to remember the summer where my problems were little, not so massive that I needed help to deal with them. I'd like to remember the summer where I was mostly innocent about life. Of course I still struggled inside with faith issues and basically my viewpoint then was that the church was all wrong about stuff and every time a pastor would say something in church from about April to August I would question if it was right or believe that they were wrong on some points. that they were misunderstood. It's funny how being pounded with a belief presented as truth can make you do that.

I'd also like to remember a summer where I didn't even realize what I already had. In relationships. I was looking back on e-mails I had received in August. Ones I had kept because they meant something to me. And so when I went looking for what I already had it made things worse and ruined it. I wish I had realized that then. Why can't we humans see things until the damage is done? It's like we don't see the light unless we've made a huge mess of things. Then when it's too late we can see what we had all along, we didn't even have to go looking for what we wanted or needed. It was there right in front of our eyes. That makes me mad at myself. I feel like an idiot. I wish I was like the fairy godmother and I could make things better with a flash of my wand and a "Bipidee-Bopidee-Boo." But wishing doesn't get you anywhere, I've realized that.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol

Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know we are not alone.
C.S. Lewis

Funny bumper sticker:

WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless.

other funny quotes:

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer


-----


What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.
Pearl Bailey

Do I really think blogging is stupid? Maybe not. Maybe I do stupid things and say stupid things when really I hurt inside. And why can't I tell people I'm not okay? Maybe I feel exposed and vulnerable. Who likes feeling that way? I don't even understand why I hurt anymore. I can't grasp it. I think I'm okay, but then suddenly without any warning something shifts inside of me and I feel strange, like a confusion of emotions and feelings, and then I'm losing control of how I act. I act, without thinking how I'm going to hurt myself in the end. And then the sadness hits me, so intense, hope seems to be gone. And it's hard to imagine going on with this pain and horrible, horrible feeling inside. I just want it to go away. And I don't know why it happens anymore. Sometimes I feel content and sometimes I feel something is missing. Then I push people away that care about me. It is really hard when some people know you so well they almost always can sense when something is wrong. It's comforting but hard because you won't be able to pretend you're okay even when you try immensely. I think I'm okay now, I really do. The feeling is gone or most of it anyway, quicker than it usually does. I wish sometimes I could erase the past 4 months from my life, too bad I don't have that option. maybe I would choose to do things differently. I might have caused myself less regret and pain. You don't really need to know why if you don't already, just that this is how I feel. That should be enough.

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens
Kahlil Gibran

Okay, so why am I not blogging anymore?? Because blogging is stupid..to me at least. I don't mind reading other people's blogs...they're usually pretty entertaining. But blogging doesn't make me feel better when I write and I only used it for a stupid purpose anyways. And all my blogs are either boring, stupid, or sad...they used to be all sad and I sometimes used it to make digs at people and I'm just going to do it again cause that's what I do when I get upset and I don't want to do that again. So, I'm not arguing about this and don't tell me my blogs are entertaining or interesting when they're not. Maybe someday I'll blog again but I'm tired of writing about my feelings to the public when it's stupid because what does it do? And that is why I didn't let anyone comment on this because I know they might have something to say about it and they would write it where everyone could see it and I really don't like that. anyways, until further notice....

Dreams

I liked this post, it was descriptive and real so I decided to put it back on. I also took out a part of it and that was where I was trying to describe where I feel pain. This was the way I described it, "It sits inside of you right around the place where your heart is, where I imagine your soul to be. I feel it right where your ribs meet." I think that was what some people thought was strange so I took it off but I wasn't trying to be weird it was just me trying to depict how I felt. And then I read something on someone's elses blog. It was actually Sheldon's from school and this is what he said (sorry Sheldon, if you read this I hope you don't mind I stole it from you. I just thought it was good.) anyways, "Have you ever felt pointlessly emo? Like I hate how I feel right now. I feel absolutely terrible for no reason at all. I feel like I've just been rejected by a girl, but I haven't. I feel like I just lost a friend or something. But I haven't. And I'm not in that sad, crying stage of it. I'm in that emptiness/something's missing stage of it all. Like you know when you lose something that you know you're never getting back and there's that wierd empty feeling inside your body where you kind of feel like your bones are hollow or something? And there's like kind of a hurting sensation behind your sternum.


I hate dreams. They are either scary, very sketchy, make you feel feelings you don't want to feel or make you question yourself. For instance, you like a guy or kiss a guy in your dreams that you don't like whatsoever. Why? You don't like that person in real life, you don't even think about them every much at all. Does that mean your inner self likes them or something? I don't think so. basically I never have good dreams becaused when they're good I wake up sad when I realize they aren't true. These are the worst. Maybe there was something I really wanted or wished for in real life and in some way I lived that wish but then I woke up. And they bring up really intense feelings and it almost makes you depressed. The feelings sit inside of you for part of the day. anyways....I don't like those dreams. They make me sad. I also hate scary dreams and when I get them which is about once a month maybe not even they're always about spiders, snakes, wolves, or bad things happening to people I care about. Really bad things like falling over a waterfall and dying. Sometimes I'm falling which happens to a lot of people. That is my perspective on dreams. They don't really help you much in life and they just disturb your sleep. Yes this was an odd post but I seem to be different from other people in a lot of ways. It's not always fun being different but I'm used of it. Again, off topic, what else is new?

New Years Blog

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Went to YC Alberta, went to Kindersley, went to Cumberland House, umm...bought a really expensive pair of shoes! Wrote music.
2. Did you keep your 2005 resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made one last year other than the commitment service thingamagig. I think I might make a couple that aren't unrealistic
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but my mom did in 2004.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What countries did you visit?
I visited Canada. What a beautiful country. That's called Sarcasm people!
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A better relationship with God, strengthen and repair relationships with people, and stand up for myself and speak up more.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched in your memory, and why?
August 24 was the day I started to question my parents beliefs and really where life started to get bad. It stopped being so bad about the end of the year. September 11 was the day I was baptized.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I had a couple. When I got my lifeguarding job. When I graduated from Grade 8 RCM piano with a 87% on my exam. First Class Honours. I'm really proud of that.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Some stuff I said that I really regret.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Fortunately I didn't.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A guitar. One of my best purchases ever.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ashley....for being a great friend.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
probably mine at times with my family. and some guys at our youth group.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and gifts. my guitar.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going on M:180 Impact trips.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
A Michael W. Smith song called Healing Rain.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:i. happier or sadder? Happier because of new friends and new oppurtunites and stronger relationships with people. Sadder for lots of reasons. A lot has changed since this time last year.
ii. thinner or fatter? well, I probably weigh 5 or so more pounds. Fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer in so many areas.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Talking to people about deeper things, loving everybody and being accepting of everyone.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Time on the computer.
I dont know where questions 20-21 are. ????
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yes I did. I fell more in love with God. And guitar but not as intensely as God because that would just be creepyadn I love God more than anything and anyone which is how it's supposed to be.
23. How many one-night stands?
none...and I don't plan on ever having one.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I barely watch TV.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.
26. What was the best book you read?
A fiction book about Crystal Meth, The Sisterhood of the traveling Pants, and When God Writes Your Love Story.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
hmmmm.....David Crowder Illuminate, I discovered Hillsong United, Drentch, Jeremy Camp
29. What did you want and not get?
A winter hat with strings. that's all.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Just Like Heaven and The Lion, the witch and the Wardrobe.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 17. I had a surprise birthday party which was wicked cool but before that it was probably one of the worst days of the year.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Going to Thompson in the summer.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
I suck at fashion.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I dunno
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
hmmm....I don't know.
37. Who did/do you miss?
People when they were gone and people when they were there.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Jasen Lutz, Jennie Kastrukoff, Lavonne, and Jody. I knew some of thes people before but not very well. OH yeah and Jordan Mclellan and Josh Kendrick.
39. Quote a few song lyrics that sums up your year:
I can't think of any on the spot...i'm sure there is some.

Happy New Year!

A New Year

Another chance at a clean slate.....starting over again. I'm nervous and excited about the new year. Life is pretty so, so. Sunday was kind of a hard day at church. I felt sad and I wanted to cry. Maybe since the last time I was there I cried my eyes out and my life felt like it was falling apart and partly because it was the first time I went to church knowing my parents weren't coming back...unless it was for a visit or something. I stayed out late three nights in a row and it was not good for me. like, 6 hours of sleep two nights in a row does not help me function. Plus we went swimming and then hot tubbing and i hate being in a bathing suit. I feel awkward and i hate how I look in one. anways moving on to another subject.....my family is crazy :) not including me