Do I really think blogging is stupid? Maybe not. Maybe I do stupid things and say stupid things when really I hurt inside. And why can't I tell people I'm not okay? Maybe I feel exposed and vulnerable. Who likes feeling that way? I don't even understand why I hurt anymore. I can't grasp it. I think I'm okay, but then suddenly without any warning something shifts inside of me and I feel strange, like a confusion of emotions and feelings, and then I'm losing control of how I act. I act, without thinking how I'm going to hurt myself in the end. And then the sadness hits me, so intense, hope seems to be gone. And it's hard to imagine going on with this pain and horrible, horrible feeling inside. I just want it to go away. And I don't know why it happens anymore. Sometimes I feel content and sometimes I feel something is missing. Then I push people away that care about me. It is really hard when some people know you so well they almost always can sense when something is wrong. It's comforting but hard because you won't be able to pretend you're okay even when you try immensely. I think I'm okay now, I really do. The feeling is gone or most of it anyway, quicker than it usually does. I wish sometimes I could erase the past 4 months from my life, too bad I don't have that option. maybe I would choose to do things differently. I might have caused myself less regret and pain. You don't really need to know why if you don't already, just that this is how I feel. That should be enough.

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens
Kahlil Gibran