Summer

For some reason summer is looking real good right now. Sun, working outside should be fun-I definetly had more energy when I worked outside. What was summer last year like? I worked, I hung out with people, but all in all I spent a lot of it alone. My family went on some vacations without me b/c I had to work and I spent a couple weekends alone. That is very boring. But it is super nice having the whole house to yourself, it makes for less chores, but then you have to cook for only one person and that is also a pain. Why am I going on about this? I guess I'd like to remember the last summer before my life basically fell apart, in almost every way. I'd like to remember the summer where my problems were little, not so massive that I needed help to deal with them. I'd like to remember the summer where I was mostly innocent about life. Of course I still struggled inside with faith issues and basically my viewpoint then was that the church was all wrong about stuff and every time a pastor would say something in church from about April to August I would question if it was right or believe that they were wrong on some points. that they were misunderstood. It's funny how being pounded with a belief presented as truth can make you do that.

I'd also like to remember a summer where I didn't even realize what I already had. In relationships. I was looking back on e-mails I had received in August. Ones I had kept because they meant something to me. And so when I went looking for what I already had it made things worse and ruined it. I wish I had realized that then. Why can't we humans see things until the damage is done? It's like we don't see the light unless we've made a huge mess of things. Then when it's too late we can see what we had all along, we didn't even have to go looking for what we wanted or needed. It was there right in front of our eyes. That makes me mad at myself. I feel like an idiot. I wish I was like the fairy godmother and I could make things better with a flash of my wand and a "Bipidee-Bopidee-Boo." But wishing doesn't get you anywhere, I've realized that.

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol