Life......I Don't Get It

This has been an eventful month. I understand myself less than I have ever. I'm more emotional than I used to be. About God, about life, about music, and sadness. I've always been a sensitive person. Stuff just touches a place in my heart more than it used to. I don't know if being sensitive is a good or bad thing. This is a very random blog. I like being content and yes, hard stuff comes my way but I can handle it if I'm okay on the inside. But when it's inner confusion and feelings sometimes I think I'm going to go insane because I can't escape. It's just weird and horrible at the same time. And the lows are pretty intense. See I'm fine now, I think.............and I wish I could stay this way. But then something hits me, emotions or inner stuff that I thought was gone and then I'm not okay. I don't understand how I can be okay one day and wanting to escape this world and pain the next or the opposite. Anyways....all this aside...I'm going to Thompson, MB in two days for a ministry weekend. I'm pretty excited. It's going to be fun because I'm on the worship team and I love worship and I'm spending almost a week with most of my favourite people in the whole world. I want to make a difference in someone's life. Sometimes you feel like you're trying to do stuff for God and nothing happens. People don't come to know God and you're trying to reach them and make a difference in their life but you can't see it. And then you wonder what you've been doing wrong. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good Christian b/c I don't pray enough and that's why things don't happen. The past couple months have been hard so when I do feel better I try to get back into praying, I desire that time with God and I just want go to spend like two hours with Him at a time. Because I want to be healed inside and get closer with God. And then I fight with my parents and argue with them. Sometimes I just want to ask them, " Don't you miss coming to church and the people and just worshipping God in a congregation?" That's one of my favourite parts of church. Lately I've been saying that worship is my favourite kind of music. And I really thought why about that statement. I mean it's just music just like other types of music right? Some chords and notes on a page. But the words mean something so much more than the empty words of this world. Why does it bring up such an emotional and spiritual response? Because we're talking to God. Sometimes during altar times, I just want to cry and cry. Lots of time because I've had a hard week and I know that God is there and He's listening. And when I'm there it's like I feel something comforting beside me. My new favourite CD is Matt Redman Volume 1 live worship. I love it because Matt Redman has an amazing voice and the songs are not some huge fancy version with lots of solos and fancy guitar stuff, it's just solid worship. Just a great worship service and I know lots of the songs. My favourite song on that CD is Once Again. The piano beginning is good. although not hard b/c i figured it out. It's funny.... I listened to it on Sunday night and it just happens to be one of the songs we're doing for Saturday this weekend. Which I thought was kind of coincidental b/c I happened to listen to the Cd the week before I play it. One more thing I'm REALLY excited about but at the same time very nervous is I'm leading worship on the guitar for Saturday! for my first time ever. I've never really played the guitar in front of a whole group of people. But I think it will go okay. Practice went pretty good. I think the scary thing is that you are in charge, and by in charge I just mean that you decide what you're doing for all the songs, how long they are, when to start, and if anything goes wrong, everyone looks at you. I just hope nothing happens like in my dream. You can read it here: http://treacheroustales.blogspot.com/2005/12/my-worst-nightmare.html That was a nightmare. I have to go. That was a random blog. Midterm tomorrow morning! Then I'm free!