Fingernails

I just want to be happy again. To not hurt inside. To not feel alone. At least before when I was having a bad day or feeling sad, I could turn to my parents. I felt comfortable doing that. Now I just want them to leave me alone. It's hard to look forward to the next day when it just brings more of the same. I was doing great for a month. Really, I was. But then when stuff happens with the family and all we seem to do is argue, then I feel alone. There is no one to guide me anymore. When you were little you just took your parents' hand and trusted that they would take care of you. Sadness didn't last for long and your young optimistic mind bounced back quickly and saw the positive side to everything. Sometimes I wonder where God is. Why does He let me endure this pain? Especially when I ask Him to take away the hurt so I can be truly happy again. When you are younger you never imagine things like this can happen. you look at people who are sad and you say, "i'm not going to be like that or that's not going to happen to me." But it does sometimes. I wish I could be that naive again. When will things be better? When I was younger I had bad days, not bad weeks/months/years. I just want to escape it. I don't know how. I hold in the tears all the time, to hide from my parents. They don't even know what I've gone through the past 5months. Anyone who reads this sees a much different person than is on the outside. God, please, please take all the hurt away.


Fingernails
John L. Cooper

Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering under my fingernails
All my dreams out of reach under my fingernails

I'm empty, lonely, and accused
Accused without a word
My fingernails are chipping down from clawing in the dirt
I'm so lost. Lost and confused
I threw it all away
How can I be beautiful when I am so afraid
I watched it all slip through my hands, my brokeness revealed
I'm so proud, I'm so proud, I'm crying to be filled
I'm killing, destroying the plague that's killing me away
I've got to live, I've got to love like I am unafraid
I'm wasting, wasting every moment
I want to be tasting, tasting every moment with You
I'm suffering, I'm bleeding, on my knees
Who's going to save me
Suffering, bleeding
Save me from this pit of fraility.
Never reaching me

Please don't judge me by this blog. This is not who I am. This is me hurting. And if you don't know me well enough to really know what I am going through or if I haven't told you I'm likely not going to. All I ask is for you to pray.