Boring and Boringer

This should be a quickie.....man this has been my boringest Christmas holiday ever. I was sick for most of it. I worked 5 hours on xmas eve. I did nothing on Christmas except watch a couple movies and eat supper with my family. boxing day I went to Ashely's and we watched Fever Pitch which was a great movie and then talked on msn with PJ who was in Winnipeg. He had a webcam and he picked his nose!!....not such a pretty sight;) haha he's going to read this so that's why I wrote it. I didn't fall asleep till 3 or 4am. I finished a book..The Street Lawyer by John Grisham. I liked this book because it talked a lot about homeless people and how all these lawyers were making millions if dollars and barely any went directly to shelters and stuff. Then I made a hemp bracelet. i like making those so I went shopping with my sister the next day. I bought more beads to make more bracelets so you may get one from me and it will be cool because I made it...no i'm just kidding. i don't brag like that unless i'm kidding. anways, I also bought a chord for my guitar..my acoustic has a pickup. and a humidifier. it was only $6 bucks so I don't know if that is too cheap but I didn't open it so I can return it. the other ones were like...$15 and I thought that was kind of expensive. I watched so many movies this holiday...Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (I thought it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen), 50 First Dates, Abandoned, Coach Carter, Cool Runnings (P. John's dad has a really teeny weeny part in it!), Cinderella Man, Edges of the Lord (really good movie!), Fever Pitch, and I'm about to watch One Hour Photo. We had people over tonigth which was okay but we cleaned all freakin' day. Crazy. i also rented Meet the Fockers which I'm excited to watch. Meet the Parents was funny. On Friday I'm going to Lakewood for this joint youth thing so that should be okay. I think I need a ride though! and I really want to play hockey! I love skating so I'm going to the rink tomorrow and I have a stick and stuff. I've never played in a league or anything but I taught myself to skate fairly well and I love to skate! I miss it. okay that was the boringerest blog ever.

My Worst Nightmare

Okay, well not my worst nightmare but it was pretty unreal. No offense to the people I know that say stuff in this dream....it was just in my dream.

I'm leading worship for the first time and we're having a practice. We barely get anything done and people are coming in and it's not even a normal youth service. A lot of adults are there too. So I'm up there and then I ask Jasen Lutz what songs we're doing for sure. He's like we're doing this song. I said, "I don't even know that song." And then he says, "You'll catch on pretty quick." Then I try to pray before we start and it's like the stage is tilting and I keep falling off. And I'm falling down the stairs trying to pray laying half sitting on the stairs. then i go to put my guitar on and i have a hat on and for some reason I was trying to put on blush or something. Then all there is is these big piles of chord sheets and I can't find the song I'm supposed to do. And the mike keeps moving around and i can't here myself in the monitor. and I still feel like I'm falling off the stage, like I'm losing control over my body. Then Evan comes up and he says, "So which ones of you have a arranged binder." no one did so I gave him my guitar and he says kind of ticked off, "I'll play seven minutes." I walk off the stage and down the aisle not looking at anybody because I'm too embarassed and it's like I can't reach the sanctuary doors to get out. And my mom is standing near the door. Then I go back in and Í'm kind of upset and Evan sees me and he said something and then sat in the row in front of me. And I said, "I'm not mad because you played, I'm just upset because we weren't prepared."

So that is my dream and it was kind of freaky. Note to self: Be very prepared when leading worship first time or not!

Well Then

I am going to blog about my family again. Since it is that time of year the subject has been brought up a lot the last two days so sorry if I'm blogging about Christmas again. When I have no one to talk to right away I need to blog to sort out my thoughts and remember things that my parents have said so I can think about them and stuff.

So, Christmas Eve dinner or if you want to call it No Christmas Eve that's fine too :) My mom starts talking about Christmas and how Jesus and the disciples didn't celebrate Christmas and after all the disciples died is when people stopped following the Law and such. It was only around 400 A.D. when we actually did taking the pagan holiday and so on. She said "we just want to do what the Master did" Master meaning Jesus. And my dad says, "It's a pagan holiday from the get-go." At this point I was holding the tears in. Then my mom goes on to say that they are not going to church anymore and they better tell Pastor John. So I guess I'm going to be the only member of my family going to LHPA. I knew it was going to happen but when you hear it out loud it's harder than you think it's going to be. It makes it reality. My parents don't even use the name Jesus or God or Lord if they remember. If it just slips out, whatever, but mostly it is Yahweh or Yeshua or Abba. oh and my mom pronounces Yahweh -Yad eh vava or something like that which is actually how it's SUPPOSED to be pronounced. i don't know why it makes me feel weird when they say God's names like that but it does. My mom says to me the other night, "Thursday will be your dad and my date night until Yeshua comes back!" Well then! Even my dad was like, "until Yeshua comes back?" Cause supposedly Jesus is coming back around 2014. uh huh. Anways, then after supper tonight we were cleaning up in the kitchen and mom says, "do you feel like we've done for you for Christmas what you needed without compromsing our beliefs?" I said, "whatever." They still got us gifts and all and we had a meal so what am I supposed to say, "Well you know it would be really cool if we could have a tree and exchange gifts and go to church and all." that would be compromising their beliefs so they wouldn't really be up to that, you know what I'm saying? These are pretty much the exact words my mom said too, "I would like to change back to your beliefs if I could. I just feel so strongly convicted that this is the truth. I would like to have Christmas because I know you're not happy and I don't like seeing you like that so I would if I could." There is that could word again. More like I choose not to. And my dad told P. John this, "This splits up families and churches and friendships." and P. John said, "No walk of faith should split up our friendship." and that is how it should be. Am I a bad person for not wanting to be here? I love my family but it sure is not like before. I still have that thought that I'm wrong and they're so loving why can't I be too? they're not uncomfortable in their own family why am I? I want to be happy where I live. Continuing.....then my dad went on about this guy in their community who was kicked out of Elim and the church didn't even have the courage to say that they didn't like what he was saying to people in the church to his face. They sent him a letter. and then my mom said i grew up in the catholic church and the evangelical church didn't go far enough. They just switched infant baptism to adult baptism."and then she stopped and said, "I won't get into it now." I think she said that because my dad gave her a look or said she should stop under his breath. I'm sure she had a lot more stuff up her sleeve. When I hear this stuff it kind of gives me a bit of the sick feeling inside. It doesn't freak me out like it used to or make me hyperventilate because I feel like I'm disobeying God but there's still that unsettled feeling. I do not like it. My brothers are all caught up in it. My 10 year old brother today, "It's Christmas today. But who really cares." and saying all the words like Shabbat which is the Jewish word for Sabbath and Yeshua and all that. This is so much different than having non-Christian parents. Not harder in the family situation. Maybe it's harder in showing them that Christianity is the way because they've already been there and they've decided they didn't like it. Well I got to go but I'm sure that gave some insight into what is going on with my family. It doesn't have to be a secret. I didn't say anything bad about them right?

Merry Christmas Everybody

The day has arrived. The day I wasn't really looking forward to. Not because I didn't want to remember Jesus' birth which is the greatest reason for the day but because of the family attitude towards Christmas. Just the mood, I can feel it you know? it's weird and i can't think of a word....the situation, the atmosphere....there's a better word for it. Last night completely sucked for a couple of reasons...fighting and all that. So much fighting and arguing goes on in my family and that just added to everything. And I'm sick and i couldn't sleep. i really like Christmas and most people do. I still get excited about opening presents like a little kid. I couldn't sleep because so much thoughts were going through my brain. I really wished I could just spend the whole Christmas away from my family. It's so depressing. Like, I'm pretty much okay, I am just kind of lonely and stuff. Thanks for the presents and phone calls. It made me feel special :)

I was thinking about the whole moving out thing and worrying about money and it just kind of thought, "Yeah I don't want to be here right now but it's going to be okay and I shouldn't worry because if I trust in God He will take care of me. If i move out, I move out. If I don't, I don't. i can hang on till I do. I don't know what God's will is in this area....I don't know if He has a certain opinion about that but He does know what's best for me and He will show me and provide opportunites if that is the right decision. I'm really lucky. I have a good job, a great church, wicked awesome friends and people who care about me and an Almighty God looking after me." And what really helped me was the passage in Matthew 6 about worrying.

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

A really good book is The Jesus I Never Knew by Phillip Yancey. i haven't finished it but it really brings Jesus to life and makes you think about him and who he is a lot more. Anways....

Here is another tow of my favourite passages, one of which became my favourite of last night when i was once again questioning myself and thinking about Christmas.
Romans 4:9-23
9Is this blessedness only for the circumcised, or also for the uncircumcised? We have been saying that Abraham's faith was credited to him as righteousness. 10Under what circumstances was it credited? Was it after he was circumcised, or before? It was not after, but before! 11And he received the sign of circumcision, a seal of the righteousness that he had by faith while he was still uncircumcised. So then, he is the father of all who believe but have not been circumcised, in order that righteousness might be credited to them. 12And he is also the father of the circumcised who not only are circumcised but who also walk in the footsteps of the faith that our father Abraham had before he was circumcised.
13It was not through law that Abraham and his offspring received the promise that he would be heir of the world, but through the righteousness that comes by faith. 14For if those who live by law are heirs, faith has no value and the promise is worthless, 15because law brings wrath. And where there is no law there is no transgression.
16Therefore, the promise comes by faith, so that it may be by grace and may be guaranteed to all Abraham's offspring—not only to those who are of the law but also to those who are of the faith of Abraham. He is the father of us all. 17As it is written: "I have made you a father of many nations."[c] He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.
18Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be."[d] 19Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah's womb was also dead. 20Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. 22This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness." 23The words "it was credited to him" were written not for him alone, 24but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. 25He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.

Okay one more. i like this one because it makes God more personal adn there is just something magical about it I don't know. The first part of the first line is my favourite.

A Prayer for the Ephesians
14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

And I close with that.

HoHum..

My head hurts and my throat hurts and my eyes are burning. Yes, I am sick. It's weird 'cause I got sick around this time last year too. It's not making it any better that I wish I was any place but here. If I didn't consider moving out before I really wish I could now. And sometimes I wonder why I ever thought my family was weird or my mom ever psychotic and then she does something that reminds me of the very reason I thought that. I was watching a movie in the basement because I'm sick and she comes storming down, mad that my sister didn't do the dishes (because my sister was mad about something) shuts of the TV and yells at me that she didn't buy a second TV so we could watch it whenever we want to. This of course was the first time I had watched a movie on that TV and I have barely spent time in front of the tube for the past 4 months because I didn't have time to. Plus, my mom is sick about 65% of the time, has a TV in her room and has watched countless hours of TV and she gets mad at me. Ooookay then. I am so frickin mad about that and other things. For the billionth time I wish I lived in a normal family and that I didn't have a reason to want to move out. okay, i know pretty much ever single teenager that has walked the planet thinks their family is weird but I am not kidding when i say my family is frickin insane...well pretty much just my mom. And I know she probably would be hurt if she read this but it is true and even my dad agrees with me at times. Of course it always seems to be worse around Christmas even though we're not celebrating it! i don't get it. The reason I would move out is because my mom drove me away, because i wouldn't be able to stand her anymore. I just wish there was an easy way to do that and that there was money for that.

Recap

I guess this would be a post people usually write on New Year’s or something but I feel like doing one now. There can’t be much else major things that can happen and if there does… I’ll write a blog on it. I’m writing this on Microsoft Word and did you know blog is not actually a real word?? So, this is a recap of the year with a list of good and bad things that happened. Some will make both lists for different reasons. Anyways, here I go…

BAD THINGS

-My dad lost his job
-My dad tried this new company that was a home business and he lost about $5000 on it.
-My parents basically now practice a different set of beliefs.
-I stood up to my parents and told them I didn’t believe their newfound religion (bad because it created a bit of a wall.
-I went through the hardest time in my life so far and experienced extreme amounts of emotional pain, sadness, loneliness, and confusion. This was not fun and I wouldn’t want to do it again. When I said stuff on my blog before about wanting to not be here anymore, I’m pretty sure I meant it. I couldn’t see that it was going to get better and it was really hard to see the hope of Jesus. I’m not kidding or overplaying this at all. I just couldn’t imagine going on carrying this pain with me.
-I was depressed for a bit too I think.
-Almost ruined a relationship but thankfully not.
-Got stressed about my future when I really don’t need to worry about it.
-Am not celebrating Christmas this year. I don’t know how that is going to turn out for me. I guess I’ll find out.
-Not wanting to be here more often than not and not just because of the whole religion issue. I’m realizing more and more that my family is not normal, the way we function and how things are said and done. Some things are good that my parents have done and some aren’t.
-I still have some sadness inside I think, still a bit of that aching feeling but I’m trying to deal with it.

GOOD THINGS

Thankfully this list is a lot longer.

-Got a job lifeguarding which is about the best job anyone could ask for.
-Made awesome new friends and developed deeper relationships with a lot of people.
-Stood up to my parents about their new religion. Good because I didn’t follow them just because they were my parents and get sucked into something bad.
-Figured out that I do have some stuff unresolved and I need to figure out why I feel a certain way.
-My parents paid me back for stuff they made me pay for in the years before. Maybe that was kind of a good thing too thought because it taught me to save. But I did suffer a lot of worries and stress that a young person shouldn’t have to worry about.
-I got more new stuff than I ever have in a year. PJ’s, shoes, jeans, shirts, books, I guess not as much as I thought but I am really thankful for those things I received and it is more than I ever have gotten in a year.
-Learned that money doesn’t make you happy. I know that seems kind of dumb to figure that out now but after getting everything I needed and more but going through the most depressing time of my life at the same time made me see that money doesn’t really make you happy. It doesn’t make pain go away or make life better. The only thing that does is a relationship with God and people that love you and show you that. That is how God shows His love on earth except it is much more. Think of the person that loves you the most, maybe your wife/husband, your kid, your parents, your grandma, maybe a good friend or a mentor and multiply that times a million and I think that’s how much God loves us. I mean He was willing to let His only Son die for us, sinners. There is no greater love than this. There is No Love Like This and that is actually the name of a song I wrote.
-That’s another good thing…starting to write songs.
-Doing good in school
-School being done and having 18 days of holidays, four of which are over now. Darn!
-My dad got a job which he really likes. Awesome!
-Learning how to play the guitar and buying my own.
-Getting better at playing the piano and chording.
-Not celebrating Christmas. The only way this can be good is I don’t have to feel the tension in my house and worry about making sure nobody fights.

That’s all I can think of for now. Here’s something funny someone said to me today though. I was talking to Pastor Jason about health and all that jazz and he said, “Well, it’s not good to eat a ton of food and never exercise until you weigh 6000 pounds and then you explode!” You had to be there…it was funny. I am tired and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Leah

HAHA....Ideal job

well I got this e-mail from a friend and it had this thing where you typed in your name and it says your ideal job. So i will post everyone's ideal job. This is SOOO funny. I hope you get a laugh out of it!!

Me: Cowboy! whooo doggie!
Erinn: Superhero...go batwoman
Nelson Jason Sheppard: Funeral director ( that's the last thing I could see you doing, you're a people person not a dead people person! lol)
Ashley Drayton: Animal Therapist (do animals have therapists?...well ashley you could be the first)
Jasen Lutz: Computer Nerd
Jacqueline Schoenfeld: Bearded lady in the circus
Geneva Crosson: Evil Boss. haha Gen I can totally see it.
Timothy Pohl: Computer Hacker
Jody Young: your ideal job would be.....In a land, far, far away..that's what it said!
Shona Ritchie: Human Shield...Shona you could be my human shield. yay for shona
cameron dufour: okay this one is funny.....Nursery teacher
Vicki Heasler: Insurance Fraudster
Lavonne Farrell: Astrologer
Jennie Kastrukoff: I can't mention your job on this blog........it was kind of sketchy

All right, I am so tired. Exam on Friday...wish me luck!! Oh and I'm reading The Painted House by John Grisham right now and it is so good so I might just read that when I go to bed tonight instead of reading over my notes one more time. I have all day tomorrow. Good nite

I know, I know

I said that last post was going to be my last blog but now I don't know. I need to concentrate on studying which I haven't even started yet. So I'm going to write. This last semester has been pretty good marks wise. I got 80% on both of my English essays. I got 95% on the study questions and 80% on the term paper in Intro to New Testament. Midterms were 79% for English Lit. and 83% for NT. So we'll have to see how finals are. The English Lit final was pretty intense.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so responsible. Even when life completely sucks and hate it, I still USUALLY make good choices and decisions. I don't drastic things and I'm always conscious of consequences. Well most of the time but who doesn't make mistakes? No one. I have a lot of stuff going on right now........I wonder why God couldn't give me one thing to deal with at a time? I only have one word. Overwhelming. I can't wait for just one day where everything is just lined up and I'm just at peace with myself, with relationships, and God. Do you know what it feels like to be sad and just want to cry and not know what you can do to change things or make it better?? I hate that sick feeling inside, that dread. It feels horrible and it takes your attention away from stuff you need to do.......like study. I'd like to be carefree again and feel complete and not long for something so much it hurts. Even for a day. To not have a reason to be sad and I feel like I have many reasons to be and I wish I didn't. I know one thing..........I'm looking for love in some form or another and I don't want to go looking in the wrong place. A place that will eventually end up hurting me. I need to find a safe love.

Most people love Christmas.............the season, the food, especially having fun and spending time with family and friends. A time to relax and enjoy. Also a time to celebrate Jesus' birth which is the most important reason for the season. There is also all the warm fuzzy feeling you get....it's a pretty good feeling wouldn't you say?? Unless you've lost someone you love or life isn't great at the time. So Christmas can be a sad and a happy time. My family isn't celebrating Christmas this year. They believe it isn't biblical and that it is a pagan holiday. I know this is a stupid reason because I could give an argument for this but I won't here. I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing. maybe it's better because then my mom won't be so bitter around Christmas and then my parent's won't have such a big fight. There won't be stuff to argue over and such a bashing of how commercial the holiday has become. I'm a lot sadder though as Christmas approaches...I can't really explain it. i just think of all the other families getting together and laughing and having fun and relaxing and I feel sad. Not that my family can't do that anways....Christmas just was never really like that for me. It felt like everyone was so uptight. i couldn't relax and enjoy it. I was always tense about people and reactions to everything. I'm an intuitive person so i notice people's body language and I'm usually right when I sense how people are feeling and certain moods in a room. So i'm oversensitive to that kind of stuff and i'll be on edge because i can sense how people are feeling. I guess I could always feel a kind of tenseness around Christmas. I didn't want anyone to get mad at each other because then that would ruin it and Christmas would be ruined. Whatever. To sum all that up I'm sad. But really what else is new?? I'll make it through somehow. It might suck but I'll survive. It will be easier if I have people to help me through. And I'm pretty sure I do.

Resigning

I am officially resigning from blogging. This is my last post. I will keep it on here for a week and then I will delete it. I have hurt someone who is important to me and that is a good enough reason for it. Maybe it will teach me to talk to people in person instead of venting my frustrations here.....in fact it will force me to even if it's hard. This is something an anyonymous friend wrote for me. It is truly talent and I wanted to put it on my last post........

She has cried. Cried a lot really. No one really keeps track of such things. She has also fought much. With people, with God, with herself. She is a battleground, and the lines have been drawn with deep dark trenches. She wants it all to end, and for everything to simply be better. More than anything, she is tired. Tired of feeling angry, frustrated, whatever emotion you can throw at her. Even when she is happy, there has always been the hurt lying beneath her best defences and hard-pressed smiles. The festive season does her no good. No purpose to invest her joy into. She feels as if she is drowning inside herself...groping madly in a world gone mad. She is not alone. God watches her every move...she may not feel His eyes burning, alive with fierce emotion, but they never move from her face. He loves her. He sheds tears, flowing a freely as the blood that He gave long ago. His muscles are tense, ready in an instant to catch her should she collapse. He has seen it all, the fights, the tears, and He traces every wound she carries with gentle hands. She will smile again, and these scars will be medals.

..........I just want my relationship with God to be okay again and truly feel that He loves me. I don't want to just know it, I want to experience it. So, sayonora to all.....I will definetly be spending less time on the computer.