I know, I know

I said that last post was going to be my last blog but now I don't know. I need to concentrate on studying which I haven't even started yet. So I'm going to write. This last semester has been pretty good marks wise. I got 80% on both of my English essays. I got 95% on the study questions and 80% on the term paper in Intro to New Testament. Midterms were 79% for English Lit. and 83% for NT. So we'll have to see how finals are. The English Lit final was pretty intense.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so responsible. Even when life completely sucks and hate it, I still USUALLY make good choices and decisions. I don't drastic things and I'm always conscious of consequences. Well most of the time but who doesn't make mistakes? No one. I have a lot of stuff going on right now........I wonder why God couldn't give me one thing to deal with at a time? I only have one word. Overwhelming. I can't wait for just one day where everything is just lined up and I'm just at peace with myself, with relationships, and God. Do you know what it feels like to be sad and just want to cry and not know what you can do to change things or make it better?? I hate that sick feeling inside, that dread. It feels horrible and it takes your attention away from stuff you need to do.......like study. I'd like to be carefree again and feel complete and not long for something so much it hurts. Even for a day. To not have a reason to be sad and I feel like I have many reasons to be and I wish I didn't. I know one thing..........I'm looking for love in some form or another and I don't want to go looking in the wrong place. A place that will eventually end up hurting me. I need to find a safe love.

Most people love Christmas.............the season, the food, especially having fun and spending time with family and friends. A time to relax and enjoy. Also a time to celebrate Jesus' birth which is the most important reason for the season. There is also all the warm fuzzy feeling you get....it's a pretty good feeling wouldn't you say?? Unless you've lost someone you love or life isn't great at the time. So Christmas can be a sad and a happy time. My family isn't celebrating Christmas this year. They believe it isn't biblical and that it is a pagan holiday. I know this is a stupid reason because I could give an argument for this but I won't here. I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing. maybe it's better because then my mom won't be so bitter around Christmas and then my parent's won't have such a big fight. There won't be stuff to argue over and such a bashing of how commercial the holiday has become. I'm a lot sadder though as Christmas approaches...I can't really explain it. i just think of all the other families getting together and laughing and having fun and relaxing and I feel sad. Not that my family can't do that anways....Christmas just was never really like that for me. It felt like everyone was so uptight. i couldn't relax and enjoy it. I was always tense about people and reactions to everything. I'm an intuitive person so i notice people's body language and I'm usually right when I sense how people are feeling and certain moods in a room. So i'm oversensitive to that kind of stuff and i'll be on edge because i can sense how people are feeling. I guess I could always feel a kind of tenseness around Christmas. I didn't want anyone to get mad at each other because then that would ruin it and Christmas would be ruined. Whatever. To sum all that up I'm sad. But really what else is new?? I'll make it through somehow. It might suck but I'll survive. It will be easier if I have people to help me through. And I'm pretty sure I do.