Three Words.

I. Hate. Holidays. I'm always excited for them until something happens and everybody is in a bad mood and stress levels are high. Freaking Hannawhatever and Christmas. Something always bad happens. ANd I get mad or someone else does. And the whole thing of giving gifts. SOmething always happens where one gift doesn't fit or someone isn't happy or one gift will scratch your new hardwood floors. Or you ahve to wait around for people. I just got into a huge fight with my sister and my mom in two seperate rooms. First my mom, then my sister. And if you saw who I was, then you wouldn't like me. My sister just always explodes. It's like this explosiveness and it goes off and you don't know when it will. But I also react with anger, it seems the only way when she freaks out like that, because it happens so fast I don't know what to do. I'd just like to have one good holiday. SO far that hasn't happened. I just wish....no gifts. maybe that would make everything better. I'm sad.

Geez, all I've had is ranting blogs lately. Sometimes life seems to be perfectly fine and then it isn't. It's late, I'm tired, but yet I can't sleep. I have to get up in 5 hours and I HATE IT!!! 8 more days!! did I mention how much I hate working?? I just want a big break.....from life! Aahhhh!!! I'm scared out of my mind for this piano audition or auditions! I don't think I have enough time, and it just doesn't seem like there's enough time to do everything. When did my life get so complicated??? When I actually started having a life? I'm so mad and hurt and annoyed right now about a bunch of different things........and last of all, frustrated. What do you want God?? I don't get my life and why stuff is happening! and when do you want things to start happening in my life! can I get some answers please????? I need You, and I need to know that You're there. I need some reassurance! Because my brain has been on overload and the thoughts just won't stop coming. and I just want to stop thinking. ANd I know I haven't been the best pray-er lately. ALl my thoughts keep bouncing around like ping pong balls. I just want to sleep and not have this torment. I know I can overdramatize thing sometimes. Especially when I write. In person, when I talk about stuff like this, I feel like an idiot. I want some freedom. Who's going to be there with me when I need to fly away? waht? does this even make any sense? well it kind of does if you read the lyrics from a Jars of Clay song called Fly. WHich is my new favourite song.

THis is the chorus, : I'll fly with you through the night, so you know I'm not letting go, I won't let you go. My tears like rain fill up the sky, oh my love I'm not letting go, I won't let you go.
Such a powerful song. I love it. Not quite sure who or what exactly they're talking about, in the context, but I've never been good at that especially with poems. THat's why I'm not going to be an Englsih Major. I'm having one of thos late night hungers, but the sucky thing is, I can't even sleep in. You ahve no idea how much I don't want to get up tomorrow. I just......I don't even know what to say. You ahve no idea how much I want a break. I'm tired of stress and problems. Maybe I just don't handle life very well. I usually think I do, and I do. Until times like these and I just don't really want answers, I jsut want to yell and no one will tell me to stop or shut up or say I'm acting stupid or immature. or say I"m being a whiner. And for even the little things to be real, and not be dsimissed as junk. what am I saying? I don't know. Someone figure it out. WHo can figure me out though? I can't figure myself out sometimes. Why do I want to cry when it's a stupid reason? am I that self-conscious about myself? Does anyone really want to be my friend that much that it would hurt them to see me become closer with someone else? cause sometimes I don't really feel that special. Oh I know you guys love me really I do. And I know you make me feel special. You do. But there's the times where I think that I don't really matter that much. Maybe this is a really bad time to write this. I'm probably just PMSing or something. Maybe that's too much information. But it could explain a lot. But can it explain away? I don't know. I just want to sleep. SO I'm going to try.

Emotions

i just read Ashley's blog. It inspired me to write this one, well mostly because I'm feeling some of that too, just for different reason. For reasons I cannot explain, I feel frustrated and annoyed. And disappointed, and sort of like a failure. I don't really know who to, maybe just myself. I feel like I have to start over at something, again, I cannot say and do not want to say, but no it has nothing to do with ANY of you. Just me. Just my problems. Christmas is coming. Do I care? Not really. Only for the break from work, my petty three days. ANd to give things to others. I like to make people happy. Do I sound pessimistic? TO me I do but I feel in a pessimistic mood. Maybe not the best time to write a blog. THrough everything with my family my celebration and view of Christmas has changed. And it really does have a lot to do with all the EXTRA stuff we add into Christmas. For me now, all it's really about is spending time with people, the festive season and the giving part. That I can live with. ALl the other stuff doesn't really matter anymore. ALl the people going insane in the mall so they can find the most ABSOLUTELY PERFECT gift. It kind of seems stupid. Because some people get so greedy and that's what it's all about. It would be nice if we could go back to traditional Christmas. Where time spent with people was the most important thing ever about the season. not the decorating and the spending and the gimmee's. I feel a bit angry right now. i don't know why. Well I do. Just everything seems so hard. And a little part of my life si crumbling. Not huge. Just a bit. I feel kind of helpless. ANd i feel frustrated. I just want things to work out. I'm rambling. please ignore pretty much everything I'm saying. I'm just talking, hhoping something will make sense. It's rainging. Isn't that weird? First snow, then melting, and then of all things....rain. And then guess what? It's going to freeze and we're going to have a big skating rink. YAy! Accidents! We're watching Home Alone on Sunday. pretty much my favourite Christmas movie. ANd How the Girnch stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. This typin gis pretty messy because I'm just looking at my hands and not at the screen. It's kind of whacked. Tonight I'm going to a Christmas Party for my work....and no I don't think I'm missing out because I'm not going on the sledding thing for youth, I wish I was there because of the youth adn Because of a youth leader. But I haven't missed one yet, and I thought it would be good if I showed up at the work party to show them that they matter to me too, and that jus tbecause they dont' go to church with me, that I don't care and that I actually want to be there with them. THat's basically why I'm going and I would say that's a pretty good reason. SO there. Good night to all and to all a good night.

Too Much?

My brain hurts. I'm exhausted with my life and I need some new refreshing energy. I just feel basically like there's so much to do, too little time. I'm working 42.5 hours a week, yes that is the exact amount. I have piano to think about. This is something where I have to put a lot of time and effort into it for audition/auditions? I'm stressed about where I should go to school or if I will get accepted anywhere but the U of S. I think Brandon would be a good school to go to but I don't know if I can get in. This is where homeschooling is holding me back. But where there's a will there's a way and if that's where God wants me to go, I will go even if it takes me another year to get there. and then there is Africa. The fundraising is going to be a lot of work, I know this. Sometimes I think right now would be a good time to be hermit. Nobody else to think about. But where it the love and humanness in that? I don't know. Am I taking on too much? I believe God wants me to go to Africa. And I really do believe that He wants me to take music. At least that's what I think right now, but there's almost nothing compared to the feeling of playing music for me. And succeeding at that. It's something I actually could be good, great even. SO much stuff to think about. And then I wonder, if God wants me to do all these things, why do they all have to happen at the same time? Life could just be simple for once. The stress is pushing down on me. And yet I survive. It's amazing the stress and pressure the human body can take without crumbling, without suffocating, and endure. WE have so much will to succeed and press on. A fight instinct perhaps. I don't really think I've ever been this busy. But yet I'm tired. And feeling a little bit defeated. What if I do leave this city? My home where I've grown up, I've been here since I was 1 1/2. That's a long time. My life is here. Sometimes God calls us to make a life elsewhere though. At least temporarily. if I have to go, it'll break my heart. But hearts heal, and mend, and find new oppurtunities. I guess at this moment I'm a little bit optimistic and a little bit pessimistic about life. And I leave you with this....dream BIG!

"You can't outdream God."

A quote by someone I don't have the name of right now and Im' too tired to go look for it. But it is powerful, don't you agree. If we started dreaming really BIG, what could God do in this world?