Who am I now?

It feels like staying happy is like a fight now, an inward struggle. UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN. Sometimes I'm too tired to fight and I just give in. Maybe I should try harder. that's what I'll do, I'll try harder. Look on the positive side, don't let myself get down. What happened to a year ago?? Really. Where did it go?? I'm such a different person now, one I'm not quite sure I like. I feel things I've never felt before. I never felt sad like this last year. I never cried myself to sleep at least 2 or 3 times a month. What changed? Why can't I just be strong and be happy? I try so hard at times. Sometimes I dont know why I'm sad or I do and I think it's stupid that I am but I can't help it. How do I be strong then? Life just isn't happy anymore. It isn't as steady, as stable, not as optimistic. I know bad things happen, real things, things I never thought would happen to me. I know I can do not nice things either, I know I can hurt people, a lot. I'm not as naive, or as sheltered you might say. Sometimes I feel so powerless, so helpless. I can't even control whether I'm sad or happy. i dont'know what one day will look like to the next. It's just so frustrating. And I know......I'm not supposed to but sometimes I hate being here, hate how I feel, don't like my life. I know that's wrong, I'm trying Okay? I"m trying!! it's just so hard, and I'm just alone in my mind and I can't change anything, all I can do is pray but that doesn't seem to help me all the time when I don't know what to do, I don't know how to escape, escape my mind, escape me. Isn't there something I can do?? Don't things not happen until we do something?? Is life always going to be this hard? You probably all think I just whine all the time, I'm sure you're tired of hearing it from me. Well just tell me and I'll stop. all I can do isJust tell myself to suck it up, things could be worse, but you know what.....

sometimes that doesn't help

Sporadic Blogging

So...........it's been a while hasn't it? Many hours have been spent blogging since I started this blog last year in January. My address and blog name has changed numerous times since then. I've changed since then. Who I am, my personality, my tastes, and experiences have changed and grown. Actually a lot of painful hours have been spent looking at this little box where I type in my life and what is going on. All I have to say is...sometimes I am amazed by how much we humans think alike when we actually reveal what we think and admit things to each other. But other times...well I have thoughts that no one else has. And it can be frustrating trying to explain why I feel a certain way. Sometimes there are no words and it doesn't feel like telling anyone will make anything feel any better and it will just make more of a mess out of things. So that kind of thing, I just have to learn to deal with it myself. No one can help me. Life is confusing sometimes I have to say. And stressful. But whatever, that's life for you; it wouldn't be life without those emotions.

Well soccer is starting. Although I might not be able to make it to many practices I'm looking forward to it. I'll play soccer just for fun any day. And soon I will be 18, a couple of weeks actually. That's so scary and weird. Sometimes I just want to grow up faster, maybe I think that life will be better but that is probably just wishful thinking. What other hard stuff do I have to look forward to in life? And other times I really just want to be younger. Age of choice: 16 I think. That would give me a chance to start earlier on other goals, maybe I would make different decisions, and maybe I wouldn't. If I was allowed to keep my future memories, I hope I would make better choices. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a complete idiot looking back at myself. Or maybe I would make a complete idiot out of myself again. Knowing me that’s probably what would happen. I would do some things differently and I would do some things the same. Lots of things have turned out good. Don't you ever wish you could do that? Maybe relive an experience or make a different choice? I know we all have at one point or another. Well guess what.... another piece of boring news but I'm looking forward to it. In a month we are getting hardwood floors for our living room and the hallway that leads to all the bedrooms. I think that is all the money my parents want to put into it right now. Next year we might get more, probably the stairs. Anyways, I've got lots of stuff to do this week; especially this dumb computer assignment that will be hard and I will have trouble with. I will be overjoyed when this class is over in a month. Have a good week everybody.

I don't want to talk about it!!

thank you for caring everybody. I am not happy at this moment. But it doesn't matter. i don't want to talk about it or hash out the reasons why. I'm tired of that. I've cahnged inside this past year but things really haven't changed on the outside. That's all. I dont'always need to tell everybody the reason why

Jerkville

I am a jerk. Truly I am. I always mess things up and do things I end up regretting. I hate giving my brother piano lessons. It brings out the bad in me most of the time. I always end up mad at him because he doesn't do something right and it's stupid. And then he gets upset. I am a horrible teacher. I'm a horrible older sister. And then I hate myself afterwards. I suck. arrgghhh....I do not like myself right now. I'm such an idiot.

The Second TIme

With my parents I always feel like I'm the one being bad or just being lazy and not doing naything to help. But I try to, sometimes I feel like they just expect too much of me. Or they expect too much for just being part of the family. I'm not 12 and don't have a life anymore. I have school, work, church, social stuff, music, and even with only two classes it feels like I never have enough time. Add chores onto all of the other stuff, I'm tired beofre half the day is over. And I try to excercise when I have time which doesn't seem to be very often. maybe I just waste too much time. But it feels like I never have free time anymore. I try to save Fridays for that. Like, I am so tired right now. I slept 10 hours last night. This week was kind of crazy but I feel like I need a long nap. Are you supposed to argue that much with your parents? I envy those who don't. This is stupid reasoning but I feel like maybe we would fight less if they weren't so demanding. but they don't think they are. They just say I should get up earlier, and then they say they do all this stuff for me when they pick me up from work a couple times a week. We only have one vehicle so it makes things difficult. Adn then they bring up the fact that I have a roof over my head. We argue at least once a day it seems like. I don't like it. But they never seem to see my point, I feel like they dont' even hear what I'm saying. We have the same recurring fights 3 or 4 times a week. On various ubject so make that a lot of arguments. I"m probably just being a bad child. Yeah, I'm disobedient, ungrateful, lazy, I don't help out, oh and wait, I'm most likely ignoring God. I can't do anything right in this life. I always fail at everything. No matter how good you are it's never good enough. What's the point of trying to be good when everything is overlooked? I probably shouldn't write about this on my blog. My mom would be mad if she knew I did. I just don't know what else to do to get my frustration out. At least barely no on reads this.

The Confoundments of Life

I think that's a word isn't it? I think it means mysteries. I would go look it up but I don't feel like it. So what has been happening in my life lately? Well lots of stuff has been going on, issues with parents and in my own life. God always remains faithful to me though. At the time it doesn't feel like it to me, but then I look back and see that He is. He promised He would be, why do I always doubt that?

On Saturday it was the first Saturday in about 6months that I didn't work in the afternoon, and it was awesome. I had a short half an hour nap and then went out. I also spent some much needed time with oneof my best friends. It was good to catch up with her again. And I gave her her birthday present and her birthday was almost 2 months ago! I was just super slow getting it and getting it to her.

Sunday I had church, went out for lunch with a bunch of the youth girls and Ashley. It was quite crazy. on the way home they ended up singing some 100 centennial song for Saskatchewan and almost shattering my eardrums. Ouch! Adn they opened the windows so people could hear as we drove by. I don't know why I even admit that I know these people, they can be so embarassing. Lol. just kidding. I love you guys! You're a whole lot of fun. Then I had went home and was tired, tryed doing homework but ended up having another half hour nap. And then I walked to the pool, it wasn't far, and had Inservice which I basically just going over skills and stuff. So we had to do a Timed Tow, get the brick off the bottom, submerged victim, pia carry (don't ask), and we did a whole bunch of Spinals. Adn then we did Situations, practicing vitals and secondary assesments, and our lifeguard public relations skills when dealing with incidents. That's right! I have skills.

So my hours for the spring aren't great. I'm only workin on average 12 hours a week and I really wanted to work 20-25. But I'm trusting that God is taking care of me. He knows what is going to happen and what He is doing. I am so blessed to have this job really. Last summer I didn't even think I was going to have a job but at the beginning of June I was called and they need to hire about 4 more lifeguards. And so I had an interview and went to a New Hire day where you also have to do fitness skills, and I was one of the four that got hired! So I thank God all the time for that. I've almost had this job for a year. Scheduling and stuff can be a pain, and also getting time off of work but it's really one of the best jobs you can have. I hope to be working a lot in the summer though. Save for school and a car if I will need one. My parents have always wanted to move onto an acreage. They are always looking but have never found one yet. I know it's bad of me but I hope they don't. i don't want to move. Even if it's 20 or 30 minutes outside of the city. I don't know what would be more beneficial to me. Get a car or stay in the city. A car would cost less, I know that. I just would hate with a passion to be far from friends and church and all that. i think I would go insane. I'd probably also never be home so maybe it wouldn't be a huge problem. But whatever. I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't even know if they will ever find one so.....

So I get to have school till the end of July! Won't that be fun. I'm taking a directed learning course from CPC starting at the end of April. Adn I alos have a computer class online through the U of S until the end of May. I started out thinking this class wouldn't be that bad, but I'm starting not to like it so much. At least I know I most likely don't want to go into computer programming.

I took guitar lessons for a couple months but I'm finding that I dont'have a lot of time to practice so I will probably quit soon. Things are just going to get crazier plus in May I start work on Wednesday nights when my lessons is. I just think I could learn more if I get a couple books and just learn what I want to learn at my own pace, not wasting money if I dont'practice. I wrote another song a couple weeks ago. I see myself improving at this song writing thing, comparing the one I just wrote with other ones that I wrote almost a year ago. Adn I really like this one a lot, the melody and the lyrics.

Well that's all for now folks! I sound like elmer fudd or whoever it is at the end of Looney Tunes. haha...anyways, I feel really tired even though I slept 9 and a half hours last night. Maybe it's the lack of sleep the past week and weekend.