Who am I now?

It feels like staying happy is like a fight now, an inward struggle. UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN. Sometimes I'm too tired to fight and I just give in. Maybe I should try harder. that's what I'll do, I'll try harder. Look on the positive side, don't let myself get down. What happened to a year ago?? Really. Where did it go?? I'm such a different person now, one I'm not quite sure I like. I feel things I've never felt before. I never felt sad like this last year. I never cried myself to sleep at least 2 or 3 times a month. What changed? Why can't I just be strong and be happy? I try so hard at times. Sometimes I dont know why I'm sad or I do and I think it's stupid that I am but I can't help it. How do I be strong then? Life just isn't happy anymore. It isn't as steady, as stable, not as optimistic. I know bad things happen, real things, things I never thought would happen to me. I know I can do not nice things either, I know I can hurt people, a lot. I'm not as naive, or as sheltered you might say. Sometimes I feel so powerless, so helpless. I can't even control whether I'm sad or happy. i dont'know what one day will look like to the next. It's just so frustrating. And I know......I'm not supposed to but sometimes I hate being here, hate how I feel, don't like my life. I know that's wrong, I'm trying Okay? I"m trying!! it's just so hard, and I'm just alone in my mind and I can't change anything, all I can do is pray but that doesn't seem to help me all the time when I don't know what to do, I don't know how to escape, escape my mind, escape me. Isn't there something I can do?? Don't things not happen until we do something?? Is life always going to be this hard? You probably all think I just whine all the time, I'm sure you're tired of hearing it from me. Well just tell me and I'll stop. all I can do isJust tell myself to suck it up, things could be worse, but you know what.....

sometimes that doesn't help