Holy Smokes!

You know what? Remind me never to drink Coca-Cola anytime remotely after 6'o'clock pm. It is approximately 5:10am this morning and I haven't slept!! I hate caffeine! And it's not a good kind of awake. It's like you feel jittery and kind of wired, like whoooooo!! bonkers!! lol, yeah I know, I feel a little crazy right now. Lots of time to think about things for sure. let me think, this is what i've done since 2am...brushed my teeth, washed my face, went and got into bed and looked at a couple pictures on my camera...I think....that might have come later.......I read 5 chapters of Job and pondered exactly what it means to curse God. i mean you can still be angry at God and frustrated and not be cursing him right?? I really got into it. It's like he had so much pain in his life that he didn't want to exist. He says he wanted his birth to be erased from the earth, the day taken from the month of the year that he was born on. The only thing he still found joy in was the he still praised the name of God and did not turn his back. I was like....wow. If Job can do that, when he really doesn't want to be alive (which is how I have felt at times, especially last year), then I can certainly believe that things will turn out right if I pursue God. he will take care of my money issues and worries, and school, and relationships. I love people, have I ever said that. A lot. And I seem to be a confidant for a lot of people. people trust me. Do I look trustworthy? I've been working harder at that lately, sometimes I mess up but who doesn't. So continuing, then I wrote in my journal.....you know pretty much this past year is the most I have journaled in my life, like a diary is what I'm talking about. It really helps me to sort out my thoughts and stop worrying most of the time. except when you're on a buzz. then you're thoughts just keep going no matter what. And then I studied a bit of interpreting drama for my GED test. And formulated a plan of what I was going to do the next day for people that I love in the intent of making them happy. And then decided I was going to sleep in until 12 or 1 because I am so FREAKIN tired. Like FREAKIN! and then I listened to music, a little bit of Goo Goo Dolls, and some Gavin Degraw and Kelly Clarkson, and My Chemical Romance and then relient K, and just as that song started I felt a peace come over me, like everything is going to be all right. i'm just going to wait. i have options for my life. And I'm going to wait on God. And pray. And I just realized I have lots of time for someone my age. Lots of time to go to school and work and learn new instruments as a hobby if I wanted, and you know, after school, I could even take a year off and do something I really, really have wanted to do. Imagine that! I know Im going to have intense stressing out times, and you know the above list? I'm going to worry about all that again. So don't be surprised if you get another rant blog about the stuff I said wasn't a big deal. Cause that's just me. I worry too much. And it's going to make me old before my time. can't i just be a little bit free and enjoy my young years? let loose a bit ( in a good way...dont' get any ideas...*smirk*). Wow this blog is totally not me. I feel weird. I don't know. I'm tired of boxes. Lots of them. boxes that people put around you. it could be a bunch of little ones or a few big ones. but they have four walls that stop you from doing things that you would do if they weren't holding you back. Opinions, criticzing, frettting, adn worrying. It's hard to get away from that when you're constantly being told that things probably won't work out well for your life if you dont' go to school right away or if you do this and that. and the such and such statistic for this, and the rate of teenage marriages that fail (this is the comment I have gotten this past year a lot). Yeah, because I'm definetly getting married in the next year and a half. Like, give me a break. jeepers, creepers. anyways, I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself until I fall asleep. good night....or should I say good morning....yeah i think that will do it.

Strange

Yeah I know what you're thinking. Of course you're strange! and to that I say..... no comment. Because I know it's true a lot of the time. And I don't really mind actually. anyway, that was a huge bunny trail. I've just felt very strange this past month. I have not been the same. i've been so up and down I don't know really where I am. I've been weird and really goofy and giddy and then really sad like 5 minutes later. But I hate how sadness likes to take hold of you a lot longer than happiness. happiness is really essential. I'm just so sad right now, and I'm not really sure why. Oh yeah i partly know a bit why. I've been really busy and I feel kind of disconnected from people, like I'm not super close to anyone and just a whole bunch of other stuff. i just don't get me sometimes. I don't really know where this blog is going. I just want to cry a lot lately. The stress is getting to me. The wondering of where my life is going, am I cut out for this, is this going to take me anywhere in my life. And if I move away, I dont' really know what I'm going to do with myself. i wont' have a single friend. I'm going to cry myself to sleep from the homesickness. And then I'm going to come back and everyone is going to have their friends that they see every day, all my best friends will be here, but it won't be the same because they'll have gotten closer with the people who take my place and they'll have their inside jokes and memories together. i just dont' want to be alone. And I don't care what anyone says, that's how I feel lately. I don't get it. It's like my chest hurts and it hurts to breathe, and think and be awake. not always. I just need somebody to know me. Where is that anymore? Maybe I'm just being emo right now. I just kind of want to forget my life for a while. I need you God. can you hear me? because I feel far from you too. it's like You're there but You're not in my life. Should i be saying all this? I feel like I can never hear You whether I think I'm close to You or not. Like I'm deaf all the time. Because other people always say they heard God say something to them but I never seem to. Who is it? Is it me or You talking when i think Im' supposed to do something? What do You want with me!?!?!? I'm just kind of hurting like the kind that fades in and out like the wave coming in and out from the shore.