Holy Smokes!

You know what? Remind me never to drink Coca-Cola anytime remotely after 6'o'clock pm. It is approximately 5:10am this morning and I haven't slept!! I hate caffeine! And it's not a good kind of awake. It's like you feel jittery and kind of wired, like whoooooo!! bonkers!! lol, yeah I know, I feel a little crazy right now. Lots of time to think about things for sure. let me think, this is what i've done since 2am...brushed my teeth, washed my face, went and got into bed and looked at a couple pictures on my camera...I think....that might have come later.......I read 5 chapters of Job and pondered exactly what it means to curse God. i mean you can still be angry at God and frustrated and not be cursing him right?? I really got into it. It's like he had so much pain in his life that he didn't want to exist. He says he wanted his birth to be erased from the earth, the day taken from the month of the year that he was born on. The only thing he still found joy in was the he still praised the name of God and did not turn his back. I was like....wow. If Job can do that, when he really doesn't want to be alive (which is how I have felt at times, especially last year), then I can certainly believe that things will turn out right if I pursue God. he will take care of my money issues and worries, and school, and relationships. I love people, have I ever said that. A lot. And I seem to be a confidant for a lot of people. people trust me. Do I look trustworthy? I've been working harder at that lately, sometimes I mess up but who doesn't. So continuing, then I wrote in my journal.....you know pretty much this past year is the most I have journaled in my life, like a diary is what I'm talking about. It really helps me to sort out my thoughts and stop worrying most of the time. except when you're on a buzz. then you're thoughts just keep going no matter what. And then I studied a bit of interpreting drama for my GED test. And formulated a plan of what I was going to do the next day for people that I love in the intent of making them happy. And then decided I was going to sleep in until 12 or 1 because I am so FREAKIN tired. Like FREAKIN! and then I listened to music, a little bit of Goo Goo Dolls, and some Gavin Degraw and Kelly Clarkson, and My Chemical Romance and then relient K, and just as that song started I felt a peace come over me, like everything is going to be all right. i'm just going to wait. i have options for my life. And I'm going to wait on God. And pray. And I just realized I have lots of time for someone my age. Lots of time to go to school and work and learn new instruments as a hobby if I wanted, and you know, after school, I could even take a year off and do something I really, really have wanted to do. Imagine that! I know Im going to have intense stressing out times, and you know the above list? I'm going to worry about all that again. So don't be surprised if you get another rant blog about the stuff I said wasn't a big deal. Cause that's just me. I worry too much. And it's going to make me old before my time. can't i just be a little bit free and enjoy my young years? let loose a bit ( in a good way...dont' get any ideas...*smirk*). Wow this blog is totally not me. I feel weird. I don't know. I'm tired of boxes. Lots of them. boxes that people put around you. it could be a bunch of little ones or a few big ones. but they have four walls that stop you from doing things that you would do if they weren't holding you back. Opinions, criticzing, frettting, adn worrying. It's hard to get away from that when you're constantly being told that things probably won't work out well for your life if you dont' go to school right away or if you do this and that. and the such and such statistic for this, and the rate of teenage marriages that fail (this is the comment I have gotten this past year a lot). Yeah, because I'm definetly getting married in the next year and a half. Like, give me a break. jeepers, creepers. anyways, I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself until I fall asleep. good night....or should I say good morning....yeah i think that will do it.