Choices

I want to be able to make my own choices. And by this I don't mean I don't want other people's advice, but I want people to stop thinking they can control my life or people in it. I am 18 years old. Shouldn't I be able to make my own grown up decisions? I feel like I'm at the age where I'm too old and too young. I'm stuck in between. And other people seem to think it's okay to control aspects of my life. Or think that in the end, the final decision is up to them. And if I go against that when they tell me not to do something, is that dishonouring when I think it's alright and they are just stuck on their little plan they had for my life. This is exactly what it was going to turn out like.....go to university right after high school, come out with a nice degree to make me a nice amount of money, get married to someone who has to fit their mold. It just makes me feel so angry and so trapped. Can I not make my own decisions now?? I'm not a child. Especially huge important ones that mean soooo much to me. If I had that freedom it surely does not mean I would go and act horribly, or do something unforgivable, but it would give me some room to breathe and not to fret about stuff. Freedom. Inevitably, why do parents think they always know what's best, like mother knows best or whatever. EVeryone has amotive for what they want you to do, sometimes it's good , sometimes it's bad, and sometimes they were just set on something and they can't accept that you don't want that. So they push it on you.

Tomorrow is halloween. A holiday that I don't think is bad, it's not my favourite, but who doesn't like dressing up and getting candy. I only got to do that once when I was little. I sure got a lot of candy that year. i was a big green M&M. i even had the little boots and gloves that they wear. But I have passed that stage and tomorrow I am going to hand out candy, which I think is going to be fun. it's amazing how little it takes to bring me joy sometimes, lol.

Anyways, venting helps but it doesn't change the problem.

OH MY GOSH!!










IT'S SNOWING!!

Feeling.....overwhelmed?

I do not like it when I feel this way, but we all do at some point or another, it's a fact of life. And if there was a name for what I am sometimes, it would be a chronic worrier. I think people have more of a tendency to do this than others because I've tried desperately and sometimes I just can't help it. There might be something I want to do and I'll be like...what if it's too much money, or what if I'm too stressed or I don't have enough time, or...or....or. And I drive myself crazy, keep myself up thinking about it. It might be how I was raised to think, that can also have an impact. And then I like growing up, but it makes me feel sad too. I sit there in the morning guarding the pool and there are all these women with scads of cellulite and saggy skin and I wonder if they are lonely. And I think, I am going to be like that someday.....and I don't want to be!!!! Especially lonely....will I care that much when I'm old and all I want is some quiet? I don't know. And what the heck is my life going to consist of? I never want it to stop having a point, which is living for God, in everything I do I want that to be my goal. And it really hurts my brain when I try to figure out what that really means in my life. I just don't understand. And maybe I am doing it right now and maybe I am not. How do I know? And I don't really know what I'm trying to say, I feel like I'm searching all the time. And then there's that ache that I don't really want to dwell on. I hated/hate that feeling so much, I've never disliked anything as much in my whole life. It's like you want to shun the pain and embrace it at the same time. You want to be around people but you don't. What you really want to do is escape yourself but you know whatever the typical thing people do to escape themselves usually does more damage. But you can't escape yourself. I've tried. This feeling feels like what hell would feel like. indescribable pain and sadness. i'm really, really glad that hasn't happened in it's ugliest form in months. I know it could happen again, I mean....life hasn't stopped handing me it's share of hardships, I know this. I also know how to deal with it a bit better. One thing I have learned. Do. Not. Keep. Pain. Inside. Because it rots like death and that's what it can turn into. Sometimes if you tell someone, even if they don't understand. You got it out, you so to say "vomited it out of you" I have no idea why I started writing this blog, but I felt I needed to. I needed a ranting blog, to get the thoughts that have been jamming my brain. Clogging it. over flowing it. you get the point. I'm going to shower now, despite the contrary opinon that I don't. :)