Feeling.....overwhelmed?

I do not like it when I feel this way, but we all do at some point or another, it's a fact of life. And if there was a name for what I am sometimes, it would be a chronic worrier. I think people have more of a tendency to do this than others because I've tried desperately and sometimes I just can't help it. There might be something I want to do and I'll be like...what if it's too much money, or what if I'm too stressed or I don't have enough time, or...or....or. And I drive myself crazy, keep myself up thinking about it. It might be how I was raised to think, that can also have an impact. And then I like growing up, but it makes me feel sad too. I sit there in the morning guarding the pool and there are all these women with scads of cellulite and saggy skin and I wonder if they are lonely. And I think, I am going to be like that someday.....and I don't want to be!!!! Especially lonely....will I care that much when I'm old and all I want is some quiet? I don't know. And what the heck is my life going to consist of? I never want it to stop having a point, which is living for God, in everything I do I want that to be my goal. And it really hurts my brain when I try to figure out what that really means in my life. I just don't understand. And maybe I am doing it right now and maybe I am not. How do I know? And I don't really know what I'm trying to say, I feel like I'm searching all the time. And then there's that ache that I don't really want to dwell on. I hated/hate that feeling so much, I've never disliked anything as much in my whole life. It's like you want to shun the pain and embrace it at the same time. You want to be around people but you don't. What you really want to do is escape yourself but you know whatever the typical thing people do to escape themselves usually does more damage. But you can't escape yourself. I've tried. This feeling feels like what hell would feel like. indescribable pain and sadness. i'm really, really glad that hasn't happened in it's ugliest form in months. I know it could happen again, I mean....life hasn't stopped handing me it's share of hardships, I know this. I also know how to deal with it a bit better. One thing I have learned. Do. Not. Keep. Pain. Inside. Because it rots like death and that's what it can turn into. Sometimes if you tell someone, even if they don't understand. You got it out, you so to say "vomited it out of you" I have no idea why I started writing this blog, but I felt I needed to. I needed a ranting blog, to get the thoughts that have been jamming my brain. Clogging it. over flowing it. you get the point. I'm going to shower now, despite the contrary opinon that I don't. :)