Sometimes I feel like that person that Matthew West is talking to in the post below but sometimes I want to be that persont hat is singing that song. The one who is there for people, no matter where they are in their life. To be open to them and listen because that is all we need at times. We need to sort out our thoughts and let it all out. Just had that thought. And also how life is so short. That we really need to use the little time we have on this earth do some good and not bad. Because how is that going to help anyone, dragging them down. Like that Skillet song, "love can take a little, love can give a little more" People are looking for love desperately in this world.. When everything is gone that is all there is left. I think our world would be a much better place if instead of Money makes the world go round....it was Love makes the world go round. Or maybe that is the saying. (there is another Leah moment). I ahve no idea, whatever......Love can heal a multitude of hurts as someone said to me one time. And the most amazing act of love was God's gift on the cross. His Son. And to anyone who's reading this who doesn't believe in God, I don't want to make that sound fake or empty like something just to say. Because it actually is the most important thing in my life. And I want to be love people like that. TO show them they mean so much to me and to God. i can't be best friends with everyone but I can show them they matter to this world and to God. I'm not perfect. I fall all the time. I get back up and keep going. Again and again and again. ANd I'm stronger each time. I am thankful for that. It is 2am and I am soooo tired. But I can't sleep.

You Know Where To Find Me

This song really struck home with me because I felt exactly like the person that Matthew West is talking about in this song.

I saw your sky fall down today
Suddenly turn from blue to gray
Till one by one the raindrops
Turned to tears upon your face
Wish there was something I could do
Wish I could ease the pain from you
BUt I"ve never felt so helpless

It's like you're drowning right in front of me
And I'm reaching but you can't see
There's something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all I'll say to you tonight

Chorus:
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your Side
RIght by your side

If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the why's
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to, I need you to remember

Written by Matthew West, 2003 Word Music Inc.

12:00 am

It’s 12:00 am and I just had my grad party. I was really glad that everyone came but I was missing some people that I wished could be there but they were out of town. And I got some presents which I was not even expecting! And my parents spent about $100 on the food for me so I was thankful for that but I know there will be consequences and I’m going to hear about it, that it was too much money. I guess I’m just not worth that much. And my parents were very much at odds for each other but they sure put on a good face. Lots of pretending going on there. There’s such an ache inside right now. I can’t take this anymore. There’s only so much one can handle. And I really just want to leave from everything. I’m tired of being sad and feeling so alone. And feeling empty. Like there’s something very important missing in my life. And I don’t mean a boyfriend. There’s just something not there. And I don’t know if that’s something in my family or what. And just everything has been horrible lately. With my family, with life, with faith stuff with my family, with emotions. And I’m feeling like everything is too much. And right now, I really want to call someone but I just don’t know if they would appreciate me calling this late. I’m so overwhelmed. I don’t feel very loved by my mom sometimes. She does some not very nice things that show me she doesn’t love me. Because someone who loves somebody else doesn’t do those things. They just don’t. And I just feel like I can’t escape anything. And I guess I was wrong about my dad. I guess he really does believe this Torah thing for myself. I was very disappointed. He said that if someone didn’t know anything about God or whatever and they just picked up a Bible that they would practice the Sabbath on a Saturday and all that stuff. I felt crushed. I just don’t understand. Why? Why does all this bad stuff have to happen? Why does my world have to fall apart so much in one year? I don’t get it. It’s just too much pain for me. It hurts, it hurts. I don’t want to be alone. That is my fear. I just need love, love unconditionally. And I know I’m not perfect and do things that probably hurt other people. But I don’t want to. And I try not to. I just want to okay, and feel whole in one piece. Like there is something good. Things can be happier and fine. IT’s just when I’m left alone that everything sinks in, and everything just becomes more real and harsher and I remember all the pain and frustration. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. Why does everything feel like its falling apart? Because I think it is.

The Happy Shell

How can one

Look so fine

On the outside

Laughing, smiles

The happy shell

But inside

melancholy, breaking

Frustration, confusion

Longing to run

But there's nowhere

To go

What's the fix

What's the solution

Playing pretend

Feeling it pressing in

Lost

Black space

And grabbing

Nothing

But

Air



Ok so you want an explanation? I'm tired of everything. All this crap, everything from the past year. If it's not one thing it's another. I'm angry and I'm frustrated. And I feel like there is no good solution that I'm happy with to anything. And I'm so....I don't know. Sad. With my life. And I've tried so hard to fight through. I've endlessly beaten the pillow so to speak. I want to scream, I want to run, I just, I just...I don't know. I just can't seem to get through. I feel like there's nothing. No way out. Nothing to be happy for. And you know I say this now, but it will change. I'm just TIRED of going back to it. Everything dragging me down. I just want to be happy. LIke truly. For once. It feels like so long. ANd it's wearing me down. And so that's what my poem is about. Like an emo mood I guess.

Work

I'll make this short. it's summer. I've been working a lot lately, averaging 40 hrs. a week. I need to save up money for school and a car that I want to buy at the end of the summer hopefully! I'm working all next year so we'll see how that goes. It's hard working so much because sometimes you feel cut off from the rest of the world. No time for anything else. But others it is a relief. it's hard to get there but once you are you forget about life because all you have to concentrate on is work. The people there are different, they don't know you, not well enough to know what your life is really like. I'm sure lots of people put on a way different face at work. I can see why my dad sometimes would rather be at work. Because it takes your mind off stuff. That is totally probably why some people become workaholics. So they can avoid seeing what their life is really like, or avoid thinking about it. They remember when they come home. Probably why they become alcoholics too now that I think about it. Because then they can't forget at home and they want to so they drink. Just a thought, but probably true in some people's situations. So sometimes that's what it's like for me too, work. I can just forget about it and just joke around with people and be a different person because no one is coming down on me or is on my case or I don't have to deal with stupid things I don't understand. But that's not the reason why I work, it's just happens to be there as a way to be away. Anyways, wow I am teaching a lot of swimming lessons this summer. like a billion and three. And I'm tired so I'm going to stop typing now.
Ciao