12:00 am

It’s 12:00 am and I just had my grad party. I was really glad that everyone came but I was missing some people that I wished could be there but they were out of town. And I got some presents which I was not even expecting! And my parents spent about $100 on the food for me so I was thankful for that but I know there will be consequences and I’m going to hear about it, that it was too much money. I guess I’m just not worth that much. And my parents were very much at odds for each other but they sure put on a good face. Lots of pretending going on there. There’s such an ache inside right now. I can’t take this anymore. There’s only so much one can handle. And I really just want to leave from everything. I’m tired of being sad and feeling so alone. And feeling empty. Like there’s something very important missing in my life. And I don’t mean a boyfriend. There’s just something not there. And I don’t know if that’s something in my family or what. And just everything has been horrible lately. With my family, with life, with faith stuff with my family, with emotions. And I’m feeling like everything is too much. And right now, I really want to call someone but I just don’t know if they would appreciate me calling this late. I’m so overwhelmed. I don’t feel very loved by my mom sometimes. She does some not very nice things that show me she doesn’t love me. Because someone who loves somebody else doesn’t do those things. They just don’t. And I just feel like I can’t escape anything. And I guess I was wrong about my dad. I guess he really does believe this Torah thing for myself. I was very disappointed. He said that if someone didn’t know anything about God or whatever and they just picked up a Bible that they would practice the Sabbath on a Saturday and all that stuff. I felt crushed. I just don’t understand. Why? Why does all this bad stuff have to happen? Why does my world have to fall apart so much in one year? I don’t get it. It’s just too much pain for me. It hurts, it hurts. I don’t want to be alone. That is my fear. I just need love, love unconditionally. And I know I’m not perfect and do things that probably hurt other people. But I don’t want to. And I try not to. I just want to okay, and feel whole in one piece. Like there is something good. Things can be happier and fine. IT’s just when I’m left alone that everything sinks in, and everything just becomes more real and harsher and I remember all the pain and frustration. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand. Why does everything feel like its falling apart? Because I think it is.