Why has this month been so difficult? I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m so sad so much more often than I have been for months and months. Probably since July. Where is my life going? I’m scared out of my freaking mind. Where am I going with school and everything? I feel like I’m falling, like I’m going to fail. My life just seems to be falling apart in front of me, crumbling through my hands. Maybe I’m striving to be something I’m not. That which I’m striving for, to be….somebody. All I want is to matter, to make my mark, but I always become second pick, second fiddle, just plain second. Or maybe last. I feel so alone. No one understands me. I feel like I don’t have a close friend here in this world. Like I’m drifting away from everyone. Maybe I could drift away unnoticed. I wouldn’t doubt it. Am I ever going to change? Stop striving for something, which is……I don’t know. God, sometimes I hate my life. Wish I could be somebody different. The one that everyone wants to be friends with or thinks has that special something. Not the person who stands silently watching behind the scenes wishing they were that person. I just have no desire for anything right now. I think it’s the loneliness that is getting to me, seeping into my pores. It always does. Why does it always do that? I don’t understand. Is that my weakness? The loneliness? Maybe. I feel so sad. And the hurt. It consumes me. There’s a big hole where the feeling is. Not true. If that was true then I wouldn’t ache. Which I do. The more I hurt, the more I hide. I don’t know why. It burns me up, it angers me. But through everything I can’t seem to change it