That's me in calgary. I was taking lots of pictures of myself. And i really like this one. plus, i've never posted a pic of myself on here before. So this is my life this week.
Sometimes I feel like I'm striving for this unattainable goal. Like it's hopeless. like always trying to be closer to God but feeling like there is no progress. I still have angry feelings or am confused. I pray and pray, and then fall off the wagon and nothing is happening. Or strive so hard for something, and it seems like it's going somewhere but it isn't. I really don't think anyone understand me sometimes. What's wrong with me? Why do I always wish to be somebody else because then I think people will like me better or pay more attention to me? Why do I feel so lost? And anxious? i always feel these anxious feeling? about everything....money, life, relationships, situations, that helpless feeling. I have so many doubts about life or God. But I know without doubts then it wouldn't really be faith. "I believe, but help me with my unbelief. I'm going to the Roughriders this weekend. Sweet! My first football game. So many emotions, they come and go.

Ashley

So this is me and Ashley, the love of my life! I love you Ashley! This past year Ashley has been the greatest and most loyal friend. I pushed her away a lot of times becaues I was really sad and still she was there. I could never thank you enough. I saw this picture and decided to write an attribute to this awesome, talented, funny, crazy, and beautiful young woman. She always gives of herself for others and for God. We argue sometimes and I don't make sense at times :) but we get along pretty good. We have our ups and downs but they always get back to normal. I've never had a friend like you and I just wanted to tell the world that. Or like, the three people that read my blog. I thought this was a gorgeous picture of us, although I look like Quasimodo for some odd reason, lol. Thought I would tell you about one of the worlds most awesome people.

Here I am!

It's been a while.....everytime I went to go blog, I said, "I'm too tired" or "I'd rather read my book." Ever since I've been done school ( I am still finishing up that Old Testament course though....I'm almost done), I am getting back into reading. Funny how that is. I mean when you're in school you read but it's what you are assigned and hopefully it's something you want to read. But when you're not in school you read what you want to. So I am just going to enjoy this year, reading what I choose to. I remember when I was younger, I always saw my mom reading books that weren't fiction, the topics consisted of mothering or child raising books, or maybe psychological ones and i said " I don't think I'll ever read a book that isn't fiction." I loved fiction when I was young, I still do once in a while. It's a brain relaxer. I loved everything except science fiction and horror did not do me well. But now that I am older I want to learn in a different way, learn about what I am interested in. What has been taking my attention lately is apologetics. That came from being faced with questions from people and wanting to be able to relate my faith more clearly, the full impact of what Jesus did for them, and how much He loves them. I started with asking Pastor John, the senior pastor of our church if he had any books. He gave me The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. And the Christian Manifesto, which I haven't got around to yet but I will. Through the Lee Strobel book I found some others that he has authored. They include the Case for Faith, and the Case for the Creator. The Case for the Creator is very, very scientific with all these terms that I don't understand. But I try. I want to buy these books so I can understand them more and read them over again. He also wrote one called Inside the Mind of Unchurched Mary and Harry and I look forward to reading this one too. I want to be able to show my faith more clearly and talk about it more. Sometimes with these people I've gotten to know I want to just take them out for coffee and just ask them, " do you believe in God?" or what you do you think when you hear the word Christian? Because I think many people have misconceptions about this. They think of Catholics or the Crusades or Confession and priests. This is where I've been at and with this is the struggle of what to do with my life. What am I supposed to do? I'm back to where I was last fall and I for sure don't want it go where it went last time. So I'm way more hesitant on thinking where I'm supposed to go. I probably changed my mind 4 or5 times last year. And I am smarter now. I'm not going to jump to conclusions but there is the problem of when I am going to jump, take a chance. I'm scared and I get nervous sometimes, or anxious. I think " I'm running out of time." " I need to decide soon." Anyways, I had a great trip to Calgary. I bought some fall clothes. I went to downtown Calgary one day, they have a huge long street with cafe's and stores on either side and trees too. It's nice. But you see homeless people too just walking around pushing their grocery carts or laying there in mid day light. I bought a book at McNally Robinson's. It's called Wasted and it's a memoir on Eating Disorders such as Anorexia and Bulimia. I've always been interested in these, what makes people want to treat their bodies like this. it is an addiction and disease. usually something effects them from when they were growing up. family dysfunction or abuse that happened to them. I've always thought about becoming anorexic but I never could do it. i think because my brain was too healthy. Of course every family has their problems but mine were less than some peoples. ours are just more obvious sometimes, but many families hide theirs. I know this from experience. From hearing friends talk about their lives, stuff I would be schocked at. Well I am sick, and I have to get up at 5 tomorrow, so adios for now! hope somebody still reads this....:)