I uh, haven't been having the best week. Not even the last couple weeks I guess. And I can't talk about it, bad stuff I guess. It's like this fear that if I tell someone it's going to blow up in my face and something bad will happen. And it's like this war going on inside, a battle with myself really, deciding to keep it inside or trust someone. And partly I don't want to do the latter because I'm scared and I know it hasn't always been good before. I really don't think it's going to hurt any less if I tell someone or it will change anything. And maybe I should have had a good time in Rostern this weekend, I wished I had. But I didn't. basically it was crap for me, because I needed to cry like 50 bazillion times and I could never do that alone and for some reason i don't like crying in front of people, it's like the tears dry up because I don't want to have to explain, everyone wants to know why and everyone asks you if you are okay. I'm sorry to those close to me who I've said that I"m okay too when I"m not. I know maybe that hurts them too. And, gosh I'm tired, I'm not used to this getting up at 6 thing and working 8 hours a day. it didn't help that I couldn't sleep Sunday night, I'ms ure I could figure out why. I feel like such a hypocrite. I"m writing all this stuff for the Old Testament report about how Christians should take Numbers for example on a lesson to rely on God and put your faith in Him because He will keep His promises to us and I don't even think I'm doing that. I just...I....I"m just so discouraged. I'm feeling so many things right now. they are weighing me down. with sadness, anxiety, disappointment, unworthiness and many more. It's not a good feeling. But there's still that part of me that wants to fight it out on my own. I don't want to hurt anymore than I already do and there's that chance that if I turn to someone, that they are going to let me down even if it's not their fault. Realize I'm not blaming anyone, just this is why I'm hesitant. And no God did not promise that we would always be happy but that he would be there through it with us, just what if it seems sometimes you won't make it through? You can't see the light? Yeah that's how it is sometimes for me. And I hate it. I don't want to need anyone because then maybe bad things wouldn't happen. You know what is very, very strange and makes me think a lot? That my parents and I get along right now, most of the time. There is the occasional argument but that is normal. But that's not what is strange. What is strange now is it feels like my world came crashing down last September and I think it's okay now but these feelings still stick with me. Is there something I'm doing wrong? Sometimes I think it's a result of disobeying God. Like he's trying to get my attention. But I can only think of one thing that I would be doing wrong....and I thought I already decided that that wasn't right, wasn't true. can't be true. Never mind, just a thought, a struggle actually. And I only have one prayer...

Dear God,
Please be with me. I don't want to be sad anymore. Just let me feel your arms around me, because I sometimes feel I can't hold on and I need you to hold on to me. So please do that. Because I feel like I'm falling apart and I"m trapped with no way out. I feel so bogged down, so heavy. It makes me feel anxious to think of everything I'm dealing with inside and I need you to help me deal with all of it. I dont'know how, and I don't know when it will ever be better. I'm just praying that it will. If I haven't seen something that can help me yet, please show me it. I'm trying to be faithful to you and to have faith.
Amen